Review: Naked Headless Mario Fights the Dick Nazis

Review by Webmaster

Super Mario Bros - a perennial favourite for would-be vandals, the first port of call for most beginner hackers. As a result, I'd bet this must be the most vandalised NES game out there. On BHDN alone we have 12 different SMB hacks. That is, 12 including this one:

Naked Headless Mario Fights the Dick Nazis

So why pay any attention to this one? Surely we've seen all this shit before? Well, yes - but this one has something particularly desperate about it that caught my attention...

Choose your poison

For a start, it's fundamentally flawed. The hacker chose to base it on the SMB/Duck Hunt ROM, which is trickier to find than the more common SMB ROM & so makes the hack harder to play. Plus, what about Duck Hunt? Has it just been wastefully ignored?

I don't know. Either it's become mutated as a side result of the work done on SMB, or Hax0r Kyo just gave it a quick once-over, spreading his poison and not even deigning to give the result a name. It doesn't matter. This review is of a different game.

It's all too much

The thing that hits me first is the savagery of the landscape. Everything insults & attacks you, inanimate objects included. The ground tells you to fuck off. Struck blocks say 'fuck you'. I've been playing the game for five seconds and already I've seen 15 penises. Plus, look at Mario:

He has been turned into a brute. I don't know what happened to him prior to the game starting, but it cost him his mind. He has no shame anymore, only blind, headless rage. Every time he jumps he gives the finger and says 'F U' to the entire world, genitals flapping in the wind. He is terrifying.

But what else should we expect from him? Look at the world he lives in:

Even underground, there's no escape

Even the coins, once Mario's only real reward for his efforts (unless you count the Princess' lame thanks), have been turned into abuse. All Mario sees now are penises, extended fingers and crude language. How would you respond to such a situation? I wager you'd go mad, get naked and start dishing out some insults of your own. It's the only reasonable way to go.

Before we get into this properly, what is going on? Who are the Dick Nazis? Are they responsible for this horror? Did they take Mario's head? There's no info accompanying the hack, but I did pick this up from hack resource Data Crystal:

"The story begins when the Dick Nazis invade the Mushroom Kingdom and begin to draw dicks and Nazi signs all over the place. Mario hears of this and goes to stop them, but he is captured and brutally tortured. they strip him naked and cut his head off. Somehow, Mario lives through this and decides to stop the dick nazis through any means necessary."

Excellent. That's some good motivation. I'm on a mission to avenge my mutilators and stop their reign of vandalism. Let's do this.

Where are my rewards?

One level down, and the attacks are in full flow. My joyful leap for the top of the flagpole is ruined as I see 'ur GAY' and a tiny, crude finger awaiting me. The thrill of capturing the castle is spoiled by the raising of a 'FAg' flag. I know who the message is aimed at.

I snap and try fighting fire with fire.

No swastika-beast, fuck YOU!

But it's no use. The thousands of tiny penises & iterations of 'fuck you' are too much for me. I can feel my self esteem ebbing away. I need to end this game while I still can.

Must... escape... horror

I take short-cuts via warp zones. I try singing to raise my spirits. I think as many happy thoughts as I can. Finally, somehow, I make it to the end.

Dick Nazi Bowser. The majority of his body is constituted of swastikas and dicks, so I suppose he had no option but to become a Dick Nazi. Still, I can have no sympathy for him. His rocket penis attack is bringing me down.

I am comforted to see that I am not the only one troubled by the state of the Mushroom Kingdom. There's this little guy too:

I don't know what he is, but he looks how I feel. I decide he must represent the end of the horror & the dawn of a new age of compliments, friendship and support. I go to him.

Burn, you confidence-eroding mutant

Sure enough, the Princess has kind words for me. The same kind words she always has.

The Princess is completely self-centred

This just doesn't cut it. It's acceptable as the standard SMB end message, but a man who journeys headless & naked through a nightmare deserves a better reward than this. Like money. Or a new head. There's no way I'm doing another quest. Send someone else.

So, to conclude: Naked Headless Mario Fights the Dick Nazis stands out from the myriad other bad SMB hacks by virtue of its stupifyingly aggressive attitude. Seriously, it's demoralising to play. I feel like I need counselling.

One of the most surprising things about it is what isn't changed - several enemies are left unaltered, and it's particularly strange that the text was left intact. I can think of two possible explanations: 1) Hax0r Kyo knew how heavy the game was & wanted to leave at least a few familiar sights to help keep players sane along the way, or 2) It's a manifestation of that other classic bad hack feature, the one that's just as common as swastikas, genitals and swear words - laziness. Either way, the end result is memorable.

--Webmaster, 11/02/09