Review: Pot Man 3
Review by Webmaster
Pot Man 3! The continuing saga of Pot Man! Or not. I can't find any mention anywhere of Pot Man 1 or Pot Man 2, so I'm guessing this is a stand-alone work. So then, what's the plot? Where are we in the story? Unfortunately Mega Man 3, the game this hack is based on, has no intro sequence. No Megafag or Megacrap style genius story setup then. I am disappointed by this.
We can surmise from the title screen that Pot Man is some sort of major stoner, rather than someone who makes/uses pots (hey, it was a possibility). This is no casual user; he takes his very NAME from the drug. He is defined by it. His cohorts/opponents are of a similar nature:
Spark Man has become Bowl Man, Snake Man has become Blunt Man, Needle Man stays the same, Hard Man is now Dime Man, Top Man also stays the same (why?), Gemini Man is Joint Man, Magnet Man is Scale Man (complete with added 'oz' measurement on his head), and finally Shadow Man is now Shake Man.
Top Man must have been crying out to be changed to Pot Man, but that's already taken by our hero. I don't get the drug reference with Shake Man. I must be out of touch.
So all these robots are also dedicated drug machines. Why do I need to destroy them? Are they all dealers & Pot Man is looking to eliminate the competition? Maybe Pot Man has lost his mind and become murderous? I have no idea. The game certainly won't tell me.
I pick Bowl Man first.
Pot Man looks pretty good with his spaced-out expression & permanent joint. But check out his ammunition:
The man fires joints at the enemy. His name must also stem from the fact that he has an infinite supply of pot, and so is able to throw it around as he sees fit. It's no wonder he's permanently stoned. And the enemies are no better:
It's not surprising considering all the drugs flying around here. How can these things even get up the energy to fight?
I notice that MilPunk & r-knob have made some changes to the scenery too:
As we all know, THC refers to delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol, the main active chemical in marijuana (thanks, Google). It's clear early on that my knowledge of drug-related slang is going to be improved by this game. Pot Man 3: fun, but also educational.
So anyway, I break Bowl Man with some fierce joint-blasts.
Is Bowl Shock what you get when you smoke too many bowls? Whatever it is, I've got it.
Dime Man's up next. For some reason my ammunition changes form when I enter this level:
I think it's some sort of bowl/bong contraption. Pot Man doesn't give a fuck, he'll throw whatever he feels like throwing at the enemy.
Nothing remarkable in the Dime Man stage. My prize:
It's nothing remarkable either. On to:
Joint Man's stage features the most horrifying drugged-up enemy yet...
A stoned giant penguin. It looks like it doesn't even know where it is. It's an abomination. I destroy it with a torrent of joint-blasts (ammo has reverted to normal again).
Joint Man is felled, and I gain:
I can see a pattern here. The second word of each of the enemy weapons has been left unchanged. Same goes for all of the rest of them too, I find. So you end up with a Scale Missile, Search Blunt, Needle Cannon, Shake Blade and, worst of all, the totally unaltered Top Spin. A wasted opportunity.
Some notable finds along the way:
'PUNX' has been written into the walls of the Blunt Man stage. I'm going to assume this is MilPunk's doing. I associate the term 'PUNX' with the type of modern quasi-punk who dresses like it's still 1977, thereby missing out on the fundamental punk concepts of innovation & rejection of the established order. Is that the kind of punk you are, MilPunk? Is that what you think punk is about? Do you think Joe Strummer would approve of braces & a mohawk in the 21st century? Wake up, fool.
My drug terminology awareness was further expanded in the Needle Man stage:
4.20. I had never heard of this. Maybe you have? It's some sort of stoner code, the origins of which are apparently sketchy: either a police code to refer to pot smokers, or a regular meeting & smoking time. I have no idea. Hipsters, feel free to send me abusive emails about this. Or just don't. It would be a waste of time.
Anyway, 4.20 is scrawled on clouds all through this level. Maybe Needle Man is trying to send Pot Man a message. Maybe he's heard about Pot Man's robot-killing rampage & is trying to persuade him to take it easy & have a smoke rather than coming to his lair and annihilating him. No way, Needle Man. I will break your back.
Top Man's level is full of leaves. Marijuana leaves? Maybe so. The level is actually unchanged from the original Mega Man 3 level, but it still fits the theme. No credit for MilPunk and r-knob though.
More wall scrawlings, and I'm guessing MilPunk is also responsible for this 'MiLU' nonsense. I can't even invent a possible meaning, so I'll move on.
As we move to the end of the first batch of robot masters, a couple more sights of interest:
Another enemy drug-victim, plus...
A giant Gaybo/Gabo, complete with curious-looking joint! Okay, I know that it's not really a Gaybo, at least not in this game. I can't help it. I have been permanently scarred by Megacrap.
Next up:
Bong Man! This asshole has been showing up throughout the game & hassling me, announcing himself each time with a whistled melody. He is no use. I give him a severe beating (with joints) as payback.
Now, surely, I have earned a cutscene with some text that will explain what's supposed to be going on here?
I can't believe it. This is sick. MilPunk & r-knob chose to hack the Japanese version of Mega Man 3 rather than the English translation. I should have spotted this earlier; the US/European port of the game had a different title screen (sans Mega Man image) from the Japanese one. So this explains how they got that image of Pot Man at the start.
That's it. There will be no explanation forthcoming. At this stage I was tempted to give up. But I didn't.
The sight of the Dr. Weed logo gave me hope that there might yet be some interesting alterations to discover, so I continued to plow my way through the hack.
Mega Man 3 is a long game. You have to beat the 8 robot masters, the Proto Man/Bong Man stage, 4 stages leading up to Dr. Wily/Dr. Weed with two bosses per level, then you have multiple battles with the Doctor himself. How does this chronic stoner of a hero have the energy to do this shit?
I'm back to bong ammo for fighting this red-eyed drug-crab. I guess there's no sense in holding back against a threat like this.
I finally take down the real Dr. Weed & Pot Man asks himself some questions in Japanese:
Then you can sit back and enjoy the pleasant, and totally incomprehensible, Japanese end-sequence, culminating in Pot Man staring at some sort of heavenly vision of Bong Man:
None of the credits are changed. Even the word 'Capcom', victim of so much abuse over the years, goes unmolested.
That's it. I feel heavily let down. I don't know what I was fighting for. I don't even know whether drugs are good or not. At least my drug vocabulary has been improved slightly.
Pot Man 3. MilPunk and r-knob missed some good opportunities for subversion here, but it's still entertaining enough.
Webmaster, 01/03/08