Review: Sickey Spice

Review by unkown author

Continuing my ongoing odyssey into the depths of filth and depravity, I have decided to play through the Mickey Mousecapades hack known as Sickey Spice. This is a very mysterious hack. I’ll do my best to clear up the mystery, but knowing how these things work out, we’ll probably end up with more questions than answers. No one knows who created this hack, when they created it, or what the hell it’s about. I can say for a fact this hack was created no later than 2000, because that’s when I 1st came across it. Is the hack supposed to be about the Spice Girls? It would seem likely, because they were very popular around the time it must have been made. But… a lot of things don’t seem to make sense with that. Not that making sense has ever been a high priority in ROM-hacks.

Before we begin, I have to say that I don’t know a damn thing about the Spice Girls. I don’t give a fuck about the Spice Girls. Having some sluts wear skimpy clothing and shake their tits in sync to beats is not music to me. That’s watered down porn. I don’t like watered down porn, if I’m going to watch porn I want to see the real mother-fucking deal.

Walt Disney will not approve

The unknown hacker did a reasonably decent job on the title screen, considering the hack was so disposable that he didn’t even sign his name on it. Clearly that’s Mickey and Minnie, no attempt has been made to make them look like Spice Girls that I can see. It reminds me more of Air Pirates Funnies than Spice Girls. Minnie is basically the same, but what the fuck happened to Mickey? He looks like he took a freak pill. Why is he wearing a red wig with his long flaccid pecker waving in the breeze? So flamboyant Mickey!

It's off to the Cunt House... for some cunt I guess

Despite Mickey and Minnie being on the title screen, once you get into the game you are not Mickey and Minnie this time. Instead you appear to be 2 naked women. You are not going to the Fun House anymore either. Are you going to a whorehouse? A gynecologists office? I’m not really sure. Instead of calling for Minnie, the lead character turns and yells “Slutty E!! Cuntrag”. That really gets the lead out of that bitch’s ass, and she catches right up. Clearly the redhead is in charge and the more feminine one is the submissive.

Not actual musicians, they just play them on TV

Note how they look nothing what-so-ever like the Spice Girls

Pictured above are the Spice Girls. Do you see any resemblance at all to these characters? I sure don’t. Maybe Sickey Spice is supposed to be the name of a 6th Spice Girl, one so slutty and perverted that the other Spice Girls had to keep her locked away out of the public eye. To me these 2 characters look more like Laverne and Shirley than the Spice Girls. “Slutty E!! Cuntrag” pretty well describes any given Spice Girl though, so maybe that’s actually who you are, despite there being no resemblance.

Who is saying this? So many unanswered questions!

Once inside the Cunt House, it turns out to be a huge winding mansion. There is a locked door, and someone on the other side keeps screaming “Spice Bitch” through the door. Is Sickey Spice actually a seasoning? Is someone on the other side of the door demanding some of it?

The red hair kinda looks like what Mickey had in the title

1-ups have been replaced by “Daria”s. Who is Daria? Why does she give you an extra life? I’m not aware of Daria being a Spice Girl. Maybe she is some obscure Spice Girl reference that I’ll never catch. Maybe it’s the hackers ex-girlfriend’s name. Maybe it’s supposed to be the character from Beavis And Butthead for no particular reason. We’ll probably never know.

This is a naked clone bitch

Equally strange is the way that the key has been replaced by a nude woman. How does a nude woman open a door? Is this nude woman supposed to be a Spice Girl? Could it possibly be that the person behind the door yelling “Spice Bitch” is actually demanding you bring a naked Spice Girl in exchange for having the door opened? That’s what I’m going to have to go with, because, fuck, this hack sure could use some sort of motivation, even if its labored and made up.

Like in any ROM-hack worth a damn, there are changed enemies. Not every enemy has been changed. Either the hack is incomplete, or whoever made this was lazy. You know, the same old story we see in hack after hack, most people lose their motivation after the 1st few enemies.

Mini-Slut

These appear to be naked midget women. Why are their legs black? It must be an attempt to draw stockings on them with too few-pixels to represent that.

This cunt has lost her marbles

This one was a real baffler. At 1st I thought it was some weird insect thing. On closer inspection I now believe it to be a naked woman crawling on all fours, wearing underwear on her head. But really this one is like a Rorschach test, it could be something different to everyone.

Brings a whole new meaning to flaccid

This very peculiar fellow is apparently a randy rapist who wants to have his way with our girls. He has the extraordinary ability to flatten himself on the ground then leap up. I can see why our girls don’t want him… he is constantly going limp!

Mushroom, or giant smurf cock?

Very strange things are afoot in the Cunt house. What the fuck is this? Obviously, you think penis 1st in this sort of hack, but I’m going to try to give this hacker more credit than that. I think this is a blue mushroom. What that has to do with the Spice Girls, or cunts is beyond me. Unless this is some sort vaginal fungus or maybe a hint that the whole thing is a hallucination.

That is one giant muff!

This is a horribly proportioned nude woman. She likes to walk back and forth and leap. I like to imagine that she is trying to dance like the Spice Girls. Such massively thick legs she’s got, and they must be all muscle too. Unfortunately she has neglected her upper body, and her arms are like twigs. I don’t understand what she has against me. She must be jealous.

This big naked woman guards a smaller naked woman she keeps in a chest

The boss of the Cunt House is an obese naked woman. She is hideous. She appears to have a beak and bleached blonde hair. She hurls some sort of projectile at you. I’m unsure if she is carrying a bubble wand and those are supposed to be bubbles, or if she is carrying a dildo and those are just unexplained projectiles. Whatever it is, this fat bitch is mean. I got my ass beat repeatedly. She is guarding another key… I mean naked woman.

After all that confusing bullshit, what is behind the “Spice Bitch” door? This:

So happy to be out of the Cunt House finally

OK… it’s a room with an exit, and a sign reading “Daria”. Who is this mysterious Daria? Let’s hope the rest of the game has more answers than The Cunt House. We leave the Cunt house behind for an area which also has a fishy odor, The Oceant.

They look the same now... but...

Yep, that’s right. We are not heading to the Ocean, but instead to the Oceant. As far as I can tell its virtually identical to an ocean, except with more bullshit going on. Look at that pic above carefully. it’s the same two naked uglies we’ve been controlling the whole time. But… once you get to the Oceant:

Did you change your hair? And your genitals?

The lead character has been replaced by a she-male with pigtails and a massive leaking penis. As expected this goes completely unexplained. Perhaps we had a quickie sex-change operation on the way to the Oceant. At least this hacker has some understanding that a penis comes from between the legs, not from out of your bellybutton.

Much of the Oceant is unchanged. Enough to be disappointed. There was this though:

Fisherman's catch of the day

A joyful looking naked woman literally leaps up out of the water at you. Somehow this is a bad thing. The author of this hack has life fucked up, I’d love to have happy naked women leaping at me. This one looks suspiciously like our “key” from the Cunt House. She must have been released to the wild after they opened the door.

Wow, I never would have recognised the same old enemy with a wig

The boss to this level is unchanged… except for now wearing a blonde wig. It would seem that even an alligator wishes to be a Spice Girl in this hack. Assuming this hack is about the Spice Girls, and quite frankly I doubt we’ll ever know if it is.

Next up is the Woods. When you walk by the sign at the start of the level, the lead character is back to being a red-haired girl. When you go into the actual level, you are the she-male again. What a confused character.

The confusion is mounting

Daria left her mark here. So the forest is called Daria? Maybe these signs are just supposed to be leading me to Daria. Yea, that’s what I’m going with, I must be trying to rescue Daria, whoever she is, from some sort of trouble she is in. Or maybe this she-male just wants to fuck her. If the ending doesn’t at least clear up who Daria is, I will be mildly annoyed!

There are a few changed enemies in the Woods:

Could be a mushroom wrapped in a sheet I suppose

This enemy is only slightly changed from the original. Basically it used to be a bat. Now it’s a hairless bat. Or is that supposed to be hairless bat with a penis head? Mushroom head? Whatever it is, it's poorly thought out.

Strange proportions, her tits are down to her toes

This odd creature appears to be a naked midget girl with thick glasses. She flaps her arms and almost achieves flight. She seems to have a slight resemblance to Daria, maybe these are her nerdy little sisters.

They are mutts, half-hound, half-slut

These enemies are the same as in the original except for having been made naked and female. Giant naked humanoid dog women try to crush you with boulders. Somewhere a furry is masturbating furiously.

The boss to this level is just an unchanged giant snake. I cant believe it was not changed to a penis. Our hacker really missed an easy and obvious change. Say what you will about this unknown hacker, but he really keeps a remarkably low cock-to-cunt ratio. I never seen so many shitty attempts at drawing 8-bit pussy before in one hack. Only really a dick here or there.

After finding my way out of the Woods, it’s time for the Pirate Ship. Immediately I’m struck by the fact that I’m two completely different girls this time.

Nice clown shoes, ya slut

That makes 5 different girls, or 4 girls and 1 she-male, whatever. So maybe despite no resemblance we are in fact the Spice Girls. Spice Girls from a sick alternate universe.

The Pirate Ship has it’s share of altered enemies:

Flying into position

There is the nude woman who flies by flapping her arms, all the while dropping the suggestion of a 69 on you. At least I think that’s what it is. Or is she supposed to be dropping 69 lb eggs on us? It’s pretty remarkable when a women gets so horny that she achieves flight, then can hurt you with the mere suggestion of a 69!

Yawn

This pirate is changed, though barely. The absolute minimum effort was put into this enemy to make him/her nude. What a waste.

No she don't hurl dick-heads, surprisingly

What the fuck? It’s a bearded woman with massive mammaries, that likes to kick severed heads at you. She is so pissed off that she got that freakish beard, that she wants decapitate every woman in revenge. Bitch, you got the gravity-defying tits, just put a bag over your head and a lot of guys would still fuck you.

The poor unfortunate victim of botched sex-change surgery

The boss to this level has been severely mutilated. This poor fucker appears to be missing an arm, has a peg leg, has had her clothing poorly removed, and has the ugliest vagina in the game. It looks like Pete had a very crude sex change operation that went so badly his arm and foot even had to be amputated. I can see why he is pissed at the whole world and throws knives.

After putting this poor unfortunate creature down, we finally make it to the Castle. I’m aiming to finally have the mystery of Daria solved, at the very least.

The Castle is mostly populated by unchanged enemies, and enemies from earlier levels. There was this thing though:

Notice that she walks bow-legged

Those wire-thin limbs are stronger than they look

This ugly thing used to be a spider. Now it’s a naked woman crab-walking down the wall and across the floor. She seems to be nearly indestructible too. Where have I seen this girl before?

Gruesome!

The final boss is one ugly whore! it’s a fat naked slob with oddly angular tits flopping down almost to her knees. The bitch be missing her arms, they are bloody stumps. She don’t seem to mind though, She appears to be spitting peanut shells or some shit at you. She’s not really that difficult to beat for an end boss. Fuck, I didn’t even have to cheat!

What does she have to do with anything which came before?

Finally the ending! There is a naked girl sleeping. Your two characters from the beginning of the game drop in on her and wake her up.

That nude young girl is very tall. HGH

Apparently she is Sexy Spice and you want to fuck her.

Dont just stand there you dumb bitches, get it on!

She walks up to you, and all 3 face the camera and smile! Notice how this girl is now lifting up a dress she was not previously wearing. And thats the… end?!? What a fucking jip! Who was Daria? No one I guess, she was a red herring. Do you actually fuck this girl, or just stand around showing off your cunts and smiling? Oh fuck it, who the hell cares!

Another ROM-hack classic revealed. This should be an inspiration for people to put more vaginas in their hacks. It don’t have to be penis penis penis all the time.

And a final note. Do you happen to be the person who made this hack? Or do you know the person who made this hack? Come forward! Take credit. Or for that matter, if you are the author of any of the ROM-hacks I’ve reviewed, contact me! We’d love to hear your story.

unknown, 2008)