Halo 3

I know for a fact that people ten or so years younger than me love this game. That's wonderful, and I'll never take that away from you. Damn, I'm saying that a lot lately.

I have little to say about Halo 3 because I don’t remember it. I know I played it extensively. I was in high school and and a friend had lent it to me. I wasn't going to buy it but I was willing to give it a fair shake. At the time, my town only had dial up internet. I used an iMac to share the connection with the Xbox to get around the fact that it only worked with broadband. Halo 3 was perfectly playable over dial-up. The only thing that didn't work was the grenades. If you tried to throw one, your character would make the throwing animation and the grenade would launch two seconds later.

The campaign is mostly gone from my memory. I can’t even make fun of it. I played it less than a year after playing through Halo 2. Why can't I remember this game? I wasn’t doing any drugs or drinking at that time. I borrowed it and played it on my girlfriend's Xbox in her room while she was out doing whatever. I remember that; Why can't I remember the actual game? Straight up: I'm not qualified to review this. I know the first level was a jungle. There's this effect where Cortana kinda flashes on the screen; which was cool. The second stage is a bunker that's been invaded by gorilla men. I don't know, man. When I beat it on legendary, I did it out of order. I did the first two games in a linear fashion. The only reason I could see myself doing that is if the final stage I beat was super fucking hard or something. The level was red, and I think the walls were made of flesh. Again, I don't know. I remember getting the achievement and feeling nothing.

The ending sucked. The war ends and Master Chief is lost in space or something. He goes to sleep, and then a planet appears. I thought I finished the fight? Oh well... I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. The fact that I barely remember playing a game that I spent 40 or 50 hours on speaks for itself. I remember playing LIMBO for the two hours I invested in it. I hated that game. Halo 3 didn't make me feel anything. No joy, no anger, nothing. I had no fun and if it weren't for the Xbox 360's achievement system, I'd have probably never finished it.

I know that people get real deep into this lore but it bounced off of me like a bullet off of Superman. Maybe I was too old to appreciate it or something. I know Halo 4 and Halo Guardians exist. I have no idea what those are about. Like I said, I enjoyed Halo Wars, but like Halo 3, I have no memory of it. What the hell's going on here? Generally, my memory is better than average. I remember exact dates, number sequences, and most games I play. Like in 1997, I found a copy of Adventures of Dino Riki in my parents dresser drawer. I took it, played it for ten minutes, thought it sucked, and put it back. You’re telling me that I can remember that but can't remember 50 hours of Halo 3? It goes to show how utterly disengaged I must have been. I was on autopilot playing a game I didn’t like because I was convinced by magazines that it was good. If you ask me, it must not have been. Then again, I liked Halo Wars and I don't remember that either. Something about this series doesn't work for me.

While writing this, I played three games and compared the gunplay. Halo 2, Half Life 2, and Perfect Dark. Halo 2 and Half Life 2 on original Xbox are like night and day. Halo 2 is a mess and the stage I played involved standing around a brown city shooting aliens as they work themselves through various openings. I wasn't allowed to progress until after several waves. The whole thing was incredibly fucking boring. Half Life 2's time was spent playing through Route Kanal, the first stage in the game where you have a gun. I had a great time with it. Gameplay is fast paced and the world is interesting. I made my way through most of it effortlessly despite having not played that version since 2008 or so. It works so well on Xbox it's incredible. Perfect Dark? I played the first mission and had a blast. I think I've showered Perfect Dark with enough praise so I'll spare you. The fundamental difference here seems to be the pacing. These Halo games are slow as shit. And that's where I'll leave it. Maybe I prefer fast paced gunplay over slow, methodical pseudo "marines hoo rah" nonsense.

I think I've managed to get my point across. Despite my dislike of Halo, I wanted to give it a proper section here because it was something I played. Nowhere near as much as Half Life, Perfect Dark, or Doom though, and I think it deserves acknowledgement. I don't see myself writing much about the other series I've mentioned because there's nothing interesting to say about them. I don't know anyone that thinks Half Life 2 is bad and I'd be interested to read the opinions of someone who does. Contrariwise, I have no interest in reading more praise for it. Maybe my opinions on Halo are common. I wouldn't know because I'm not going to look into it. What you've just read is something I believe most people can't articulate without massive hyperbole. I know places like 4chan and Reddit hate Halo. Well, 4chan for sure. Reddit seems like a pretty "Halo" kind of place, actually. The problem is, 4chan hates every video game and it's the only place I've ever seen any negative comments about Halo. The world at large is gung-ho about this original trilogy.

As far as stories go, no FPS series is perfect. Every single Half Life 2 "cutscene" feels like the Terminator 2 3D pre-show or something. Perfect Dark's characters are all maniacs and the actors don't even bother to hide their british accents as they portray Americans. Doom doesn't even have a story. It's all so relative. Halo does good in trying to create a world that feels lived in. I wish they wouldn't have fucked it up so badly.

If you're a fan of Halo, don't let my words take away your joy. I'd never want that for you. In fact, thanks for reading this shit. It's my belief that not everyone can like everything. That being said, I'm not surprised these games fell off in favor of Call of Duty. I don't like that, mind you. Halo is more creative than Call of Duty and it deserves to sit on the "generic FPS that everyone loves" throne. Neither series is for me, and that's okay. If any of these games show up on Switch 2, maybe I'll check out the remasters. While I know I wont enjoy it, maybe the upgrades are worthwhile. I still wouldn't mind seeing new interpretations of these games. I will never buy another Xbox console as long as I live. That's not Halo's fault. That's more Microsoft's deal. Their heads were far too up their own asses with that Xbox One reveal. Halo becoming a multi-platform series can only help it in the long run. I'm glad Microsoft is realizing that.