Review: Dragon Pervert
Most hacks are simple affairs. Change a few tiles on a simple game, usually Super Mario Bros., then call it a day. But every once in a while the rare ROM-hacker gets more ambitious. He knows there is more to life than Mario, and aims to put his mark on something greater, something with more depth. Maybe he can even take on an entire RPG. Just think of all the profanity that could be inserted in such a ROM. The enterprising ROM hacker could be like Attila The Hun raping and pillaging his way through a practically defenseless countryside. These are the types of things AC2K must have been thinking when he set out to create Dragon Pervert, after completing his masterpiece of bigotry, Super KKK Bros.
Unfortunately for AC2K, it was too big a project for him. Either that or he just changed his name to Spooky Kids for later versions of Dragon Pervert. Most likely the world will never know. I’m going to go with the story that there were 2 different ROM-hackers who made this hack, AC2k who started it then gave up, and Spooky Kids who picked up the pieces and finished the epic.
A ROM-hack classic
Dragon Pervert is a significant hack because it is the 1st time a ROM-hacker tried to pervert an entire RPG. Was it a success? I aim to find out over the course of this review.
The story begins in King Lorik’s throne room, where we are told a very odd story:
Any sluts reading this, feel free to shine on me
Apparently I’m descended from a well-endowed homophobe who liked to rub gay guys with breast implants (presumably) removed from only the finest sluts and porn stars. Unfortunately a Dominatrix stole the breast implant collection. The King wants me to recover it because I imagine chaos must have ensued if the homosexuals weren’t being tormented with the fake breasts they don’t desire.
Speaking to the guards it is discovered that:
See, if you don't bash the queers, princesses come up missing
I suppose I also have to rescue princess Gwaelin. I have no idea who the enemy is who kidnapped her, surely it must be the same breast-collecting Dominatrix.
Your character in Dragon Pervert is similar to Dragon Warrior except that he is is wearing nothing below the waist.
He probably gets cold a lot
This appears to be the general fashion trend at the castle, with most people going naked or at the very least with their cocks hanging out of their clothes.
It's a law in this country for the cocks to be flapping freely
Exploring Tantegal Castle further, there are several strange characters loitering about aimlessly. I met an old man who told me my coming was foretold in Playboy.
I think Dragon Pervert mistakes lanterns for sluts
That magazine has excellent circulation!
I also met a randy homo.
What that man needs is to be rubbed vigorously with breast implants…
Despite rampant homophobia, affirmative action laws mean a quota of gay guards must be hired.
I met some “Merfarted” people, who look suspiciously like fat elves with their dicks flopping in the breeze.
Merfarted? I don't get it
Are they actually flatulent merfolk? In an earlier version of Dragon Pervert these were the Butt Budds. I have no idea why they were changed. Maybe I’ll find out later in the game, its all very confusing right now.
Before I face the menacing minions of the Dominatrix I need some equipment. Luckily the town of Brecconary is right next to the castle.
In Brecconary there are many shops. This one
The elderly get to wear clothes
specializes in “sex toys & spandex”. As you can tell by the zombified penis on it’s sign. They have quite a selection:
Why is the vibrating one so much cheaper than the regular rubber one?
I’m really torn, should I buy a small condom and a vibrating dildo, or should I save up just 10 more gold and buy faggot spandex and a whip? I ended up going with the small condom, (presumably hetero) spandex, and a vibrating dildo. I can always come back when I get more money!
So where are the ho's?
Predictably the Inn has been changed into a whorehouse.
This country is also suffering from a drug problem on the side
Hidden on a secluded island I found a drug dealers shop. The only drug he was selling was pot. For some reason he mainly deals in cigars and penis pumps. I guess drug addicts get insecure about the size of their penis when they are stoned in Brecconary.
Being a broke son of a bitch I decided to head out of town and get some more money saved up for the flashier spandex and the whip. Maybe I’ll buy some pot too.
Before I go on, I should probably explain some of the basic concepts of Dragon Pervert. The character stats have been altered.
I think they forgot to change some of the stats
Instead of strength you have dick size. Instead of Agility you have fuck speed. Instead of a weapon you carry a sex toy. Instead of armor you wear spandex (which suspiciously still looks like armor in the game). Instead of having a shield, you have a condom. When you are fighting, you Spank rather than fight. I don’t know if that means giving your enemy a spanking, or spanking your own little fellow. Maybe it means both at different times. Basically you are sex warrior. You don’t fight with swords and shields, instead you aim to sexually satisfy your opponents until they are a helpless quivering post-coital mass. Some of your options have been changed as well. Instead of using an item, you take a drug. Instead of casting a spell, you fart. You’d think that would ruin the “mood”, but it don’t faze the people in Dragon Pervert one bit.
In the area around Brecconary there are some fierce monsters. There is the Penis:
It appears to be suffering from "shrinkage"
It seems to be a disembodied monster penis of some sort, judging by the color. Maybe it belonged to a smurf.
There is also the Hot Penis:
It will not be ignored!
I’m unsure if this is the same penis from before only angry this time, or if AC2K meant it was hot as in sexy. It doesn’t seem much tougher than the regular Penis, but it does carry more gold around with it. Does anyone know why exactly disembodied male genitalia are carrying around gold coins? Do they store them in a sack by any chance?
The Breast:
It must be an undead breast
Though it appears to be one of the missing breast implants I’m seeking, it is not. Instead it is a breast monster which disguises itself so that I will come near, allowing it to smother me in its soft pillow-like crush. Maybe that’s not such a bad way to die!
The Bitch:
These are dark times when angry bitches wander the countryside
This actually appears to be a minion of the Dominatrix, a nude woman with a whip. She is considerably tougher than the genitalia. If you aren’t careful she will whip you into submission.
The Dick Hands:
I don't think this one is a lawyer...
This is one tough mutant. Your regular attacks cause little damage to it, and it knows how to “fart the fart of Fuck”, which causes major damage. When you can “fight farts with farts” this sexual sideshow freak is much easier. I know of another ROM-hacker who also had cock-handed enemies in his hacks… *whistles, looks around the room* Let’s just say we both must have been inspired by that character from that one Clive Barker book.
During my time fighting genitalia and bitches, I learned some farts. This is easily the most ill-conceived concept in this hack. It is not logically consistent with the rest of the hack, but spells have become farts. They still use magic points though, not fart points. So I’d say they are farts in name only. The hackers must have wanted to change spells to something sexual and got stumped and came up with this bright idea instead. Why they didn’t just change them to sexual techniques, tricks, karma sutra positions, or just left them as spells I’ll never understand. Anyway, I learned the fart of Blowjob, and the fart of Fuck. Blowjob heals me, Fuck causes damage. How the hell you fart out a blowjob is something I want to see.
North of town there is a cave. Apparently this is Bigdick’s cave. My hate-filled ancestor stored some valuable information in this cave in the form of a tablet. But to get to it I had to make my way through a simple maze. In the original Dragon Warrior, you had to use a torch to be able to see what the fuck was going on in a cave. Now instead you light up a cigar. These must be a special brand of phosphorescent cancer sticks. The tablet reads:
The 1st indication that this hack is incomplete
OK, so why is the Dominatrix living on an Isle of Dragons? Something don’t add up here. Shouldn't she be on an Isle of Gimps or something like that? I’m starting to suspect that even multiple hackers were unable to tough it out for the duration of this hack...