Review: Dragon Pervert
PAGE 2, CONT. FROM PAGE 1...
Making my way to the next town, Garinham, things are looking grim for the future of this hack. All the townspeople are talking like they are still in Dragon warrior, with their Nesters and wandering minstrels, etc. And in the sex shop we find:
Disappointment sets in
I sure would like to buy a hard dick and some whore spandex, but what the fuck is a sex shop selling plate armor and a shield for? I’d like to say its because the people of Garinham like REALLY rough sex, but sadly I think it’s because all the hackers who worked on this game ran out of ideas already. Oh well, nothing to do but go out and save up more money.
At least I encountered some new monsters. There is the Hugedick:
What an odd ecosystem in this world
It kind of resembles a big slug to me. But don’t let that fool you, this thing thrusts rather hard and is quite painful to accommodate. At least it has a decent amount of money on it.
The Hugebreast:
This game is the tit-man's dream
Actually though, this looks no bigger than the regular Breast. It is much tougher though, because it knows how to fart the fart of Fuck. A very impressive feat for a body part which is lacking an ass.
Finally there is the elusive Dickhead:
Sir-spits-a-lot
This well dressed monster really packs a wallop (or maybe a dollop in this case!).
Yep, it really now appears that once again a potentially cool hack was defeated by a ROM-hacker’s worst enemy (next to Wilford Brimley), plain old fucking bum-ass laziness. I’ve been to 2 more towns in which nothing has been changed. I’ve encountered many enemies which are unchanged. I’ve gotten some new spells… I mean farts… which were unchanged, though Stopspell was changed to Stopfart. It makes a lot of sense to fart the fart of Stopfart.
In a cave I did come across this Poltergeist:
Oh, to be haunted by naked women...
It appears that either it is the ghost of a Bitch, or maybe it was the last thing the hacker was working on before giving up. There are several monsters like this, color variations on the earlier ones but with the old Dragon Warrior names unchanged. Come on mother fuckers, its easy to change a couple names!
For some reason the Magic Armor has been changed:
Gibberish, a mainstay of ROM-hacks since day one
I don’t think this one was intentional. It almost says White Armor. I don’t speak fuck monkey though, so my pronunciation may be off.
I’m going to press on through the increasingly bland game though, because we are all dying to find out if we get to face a Dominatrix or not at the end. The things I go through for you people out there I don’t even know!
Here and there minor things have been changed.
Dude, dont rub your dick on mine, it's not right
This nude man with a helmet is babbling something about Stones of Sunsluts. They’re probably kidney stones…
They really missed an opportunity when you rescue the princess. Strangely our hero puts his clothes back on when he’s carrying her. Nothing is altered at all. What a jip.
OK, so there is the Metal Penis:
It's alive!!!
It would seem that this much reused graphic is the escaped product of a mad sex scientist who wanted to create an indestructible marital aid. Unfortunately one night it was struck by lightning and came alive! It now spends its days tormented the villagers on the hillside with its insatiable sexual needs. Yea, that was all a lie, but it was more interesting than playing an incomplete hack of Dragon Warrior…
When I finally arrived before the famed Dominatrix, it was the same asshole from Dragon Warrior except for the name change:
Spookykids are lame for not changing this
He knows how to fart the fart of Assfuck though. Yea, that really made it different. Even worse, his dragon form is also unaltered but the menus look all fucked up and sometimes you can't read how much damage you caused.
Clearly the sluts were not shining on the hackers who made this
The ending is very anti-climactic, you get the Brst Of Sluts and it shines on the land. When you go back to the castle there is an odd gauntlet of pointy guard cock you have to be brave enough to walk through to talk to the king.
Dont point those things at me!
Then he wants you to rule the land and you say no and the princess wants to come with you and blah and blah and blah, all the same shit from Dragon Warrior. At the very end all you get is a May the Sluts Shine On You.
What happened to breast-y beatings?
That is clearly the catchphrase of this hack.
This hack stands as a lesson to all us ROM-hackers on why we should either 1) only release finished hacks or 2) clearly state that it is incomplete if you must release it early. I may be the only person who ever bothered to play this game through, but it is extremely frustrating to go through all that bullshit for nothing. To make matters even more confusing, there are other versions of this hack floating around. I happen to have one of them right here, and I’m either very dedicated or very stupid, so lets just play it again and see what the differences are! *forces a grin and false cheer*
AC2K is probably sitting in a prison somewhere today
So here it is. According to the filenames, this hack is the older one, and the one I just got done reviewing is the newer one. That seems to make sense so far, AC2K didn’t even change the title. Who the fuck is Golok MMS? Must be another hacker. How many hackers does it take to defile Dragon Warrior? For Christ sakes, if just one of these bastards would stick with it, it wouldn’t be THAT difficult to do. The ROM only weighs in at 81K.
It starts off like an earlier version of the last hack, the opening story is identical. Everyone has their clothes on. The main character looks just like in Dragon Warrior, except for being a darker color. Instead of cigars and whore keys it’s still torches and magic keys. But there is one encouraging sign. The princess is named Nympho this time, instead of remaining Gwaelin.
She was probably enticing them
Now this a princess I’d want to rescue! Also, she was molested by the enemy this time, that’s better motivation than just having her get kidnapped. Why on Earth would Spookykids have removed this stuff from his hack if he was finishing this one? Kind of makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
In the rest of the castle, all the people have their clothes on this time, though some are a darker color. We also learn that the king is no longer King Lorik, but is now King Dork. And this is now Spanking Castle. There were other strange things afoot...
I've been there before, there were no midgets
So this time the Dominatrix has midgets in her army, and there is a town of Golden Showers. If Spookykids took all this stuff out he needs to have his evil ROM-hacking license revoked immediately!
I think I've seen that slut once online
That must be one loose bitch!
Fruit = makes sense. Merfarted = what the fuck?
This time, the so-called “Merfarted” people are the Fruits, who are fleeing from the vicious bashing they received at the hands of the Dominatrix’s gimps. They must also be retarded because they fled right into the stronghold of the legendary gay-basher Bigdick. They fit a hell of a lot better than a “Merfarted”, whatever the fuck that was supposed to be.
Brecconary is now GoldnShowr. A lot of shit gets explained in this giant urinal of a town. For starters, an old man informed me that instead of swamps, this hack has areas of poisonous sperm. I guess that’s what happens when people don’t clean up after their orgies. Another guy called me a poof! Listen here fuckface, my ancestor beat the shit out of poofs with his breast collection. A young boy informed me that in this hack the Dominatrix resides in castle Harlot.
The Drug Dealer is gone in this hack, now it’s just a tool shop again.
Kygl, is that the snapper muscle?
But he does have some different stuff. What the hell is a Kygl? Whatever it is, it heals you.
The sex shop is still here, but he has a slightly different selection of items.
Equip youself porn-warrior
A funny thing happens this time when you buy your spandex and dildos. Your character graphic changes, and now you look like some sort of googly-eyed ninja.
Nice glasses, goggles
Your stats are different in this hack than in the other one also.
Most of these stats do not relate to their in-game function
Fuck Speed is out, Flexibility is in. Now you have Grope power, Gynecology power, and Gas points. In a strange twist, farts are out and you have spells again, which now makes no sense with the Gas points. The Blowjob spell makes more sense now, I imagine it summons a wanton whore to give you a refreshing blowjob. The Fuck fart has been replaced with the Whip spell. This whole system makes more sense then Spookykids take on things. In another strange twist, the Sleep fart has been replaced by the Fart spell.
Most of the enemies are completely different in this version of Dragon Pervert. The Penises are out. Now we have the Gin, and the Cold Gin:
I once saw a slut with one of these in her
Many of you may be thinking that these aren’t really enemies, in fact they are free booze. But what you don’t realize is that the Dominatrix put them here in an attempt to get our sex warrior drunk, which would cause him to lose his erection. An impotent sex warrior is like a de-clawed lion with dentures. Just sad.
The Bitch is now the Prick:
Inspired by Slimer?
This particular prick is not actually a penis, but a foul tempered cross between Spike Lee and Orco from the He-Man cartoon.
The Breast and Huge Breast are now the Dickie and Huge Dickie:
The Dickie features pubes all the way up its shaft
This is basically your run of the mill spurting cock, complete with balls. No hack of this sort would have been complete without one.