Review: Dragon Pervert

PAGE 3, CONT. FROM PAGE 2...

Moving on, the Tablet of BigDick, has been replaced with an issue of Swank magazine.

One question. How did the three horny faggots have descendants?

Now this is more like it, a meandering tale of faggotry, a pervert of ,, great sex, and a new shit. Just what I needed to get motivated for this quest.

Garinham is now Las Vegas, and it has a rich history:

So why is there no casino?

I take it Bill Clinton built this city on pure unadulterated perversion. Bill Clinton also dated this hack to the late 90’s…

Could he be talking about GG Allin?

I don’t know this Pisser fellow, but you ought to check in Golden Shower, seems like a likely location for him.

The sex shop has all new items as well: 

One of these things is not like the others

Only 1 unchanged item. I think I can safely say that even though the other version of Dragon Pervert has more done graphically in the early area of the game, this version has gone much further with the plot.

The village of Kol is now the village of Cum. The sex toys in Cum have even been changed, now I can purchase a set of Full Tights! Yippie, I’m well on my way to fulfilling my dream of becoming a ballerina. I also learn that Pisser needs help, whoever he is, and that Gimp is afraid of flute music. This is really convenient because there happens to be a flute in this town! Cum is a famous village due to having a bath in it which can actually cure syphilis. Cool, now all I gotta worry about is AIDs, that’s why I bought the large condom. Finally, Cum has a tool shop which sells Dicks. When you use a Dicks, this is what happens:

Fly little dickies, fly!

Then you are teleported back to Spanking Castle. What is the soft dick? Some eternally limp spirit? Why does throwing it’s severed peckers up into the air teleport me? I think such knowledge could only be contained in the Necronomicon and was not meant for ordinary mortals.

The hackers of this version of the game have actually changed the monsters which lurk about in the caves. There is the Bigun:

The least inspired graphic in this game

This poorly drawn member seems to be suffering from a rash. Not to worry though, if I catch anything I just go to the village of Cum and take a bath. That last sentence was unintentionally nasty!

The Dickiema:

Those testes ought to be in a scrotum, not hanging loose

This appears to be a crudely drawn bat-winged penis to me, but it could be anything, some of these graphics are like ink-blots.

The Rapist:

This graphic is kinda lazy

This particular rapist is kind of inhuman. I think that AC2K unintentionally made a reference to the adult anime series La Blue Girl, as this strange cock-tailed scorpion-esque character resembles a Shikima demon to me.

And the Pnile:

Get this thing some tissues

I’m not sure what this is supposed to be, it looks a fish-man with a bad cold to me.

Just for the sake of being incomprehensible, AC2K made it so that when you recover the Fighter’s Ring, you are disappointed that it was unchanged. But then when you put it on, the game tells you that you just put on a Blue Ribbon. What? So my character is demonstrating an awareness of Prostate Cancer? Or is he campaigning for Free Speech? These sorts of hacks tend to get censored a lot so I guess that could be it. Maybe.

The next area has some new enemies. There was the CumMstr:

Beware the master of cum, for his supply is endless

I’m not sure if this is a Cum Monster, or a Cum Master. Either way it’s full of cum. It likes to cast the Whip spell on you.

The other monsters in this area are either even more minor variations on previous monsters, or actually monsters from Dragon Warrior with unchanged graphics. At least they changed the names this time. The werewolf from Dragon Warrior is now the Dyke. Too bad it still looks like a werewolf.

Next I made my way to the town of Shitlick. What a foul town. They have an excellent selection of sex toys here however.

It's exactly like that one shop out by the interstate...

Actually these are almost the best sex toys in the game outside of Bigdick’s items. The Magic Spandex heals you as you walk. I imagine they make you look like Richard Simmons too, but you’ll have to use your imagination because you still look like a ninja. I met this confused fellow:

Why make sense, when you can make nonsense

What? I thought the Dominatrix was female? Isn’t it implied in the name? And why the fuck would you try to pierce a penis with a dildo? I get it, the Dominatrix is actually a hermaphrodite sex vampire, with her heart is located in her penis. You must drive a dildo through the heart of a sex vampire. It’s an ancient legend.

I’d say about half of the villagers in Shitlick think they are still in Dragon Warrior. Could be that I’m getting to the limits of this version of Dragon Pervert…. There is only one way to find out. Buying lots of magic keys and back-tracking to open all those locked doors.

On my way back to castle Spanking, I managed to rescue princess Nympho. She was being guarded by the Green Cumspot:

More like the green shit smear

Basically this is just the Green Dragon graphic with green pixels smeared all over it. I think someone was getting lazy with the graphics editing, and bribed their kid brother to edit the graphics for them. It even breathes fire still. You’d think it would be a no-brainer to have it shoot cum.

Once again a huge opportunity was missed when the princess was rescued. She says she is horny, but you just carry her back to the castle normally. None of the graphics are changed. What a cock-teasing Nympho bitch. When you finally get the supposed-molestation victim back to her home, you are rewarded with her lust.

The lust of a Nympho, a very cheap gift

Yes, that is an actual inventory item. When you use her item or talk to her she likes to go on about how much she lusts you. She never actually acts on this so-called lust though. I think she is stringing me along.

In the castle there are locked doors. Behind the locked doors most of the people are still in Dragon Warrior. Except for one. He tells me to go to Las Vegas and search in Clinton’s grave.

In the town of Golden Shower there is a locked door as well. It is a door of horrors that no one should unlock. Inside I was subjected to this:

The illicit jizz trade in all its exploitative horror

There is so much wrong with this statement it makes steam come out of your ears while your eyes roll back in your head. Just don’t open this door.

Not much is changed behind the locked door at Las Vegas. All you get is 2 masturbating guards. And the entrance to Clinton’s grave, where I’m alternately supposed to find a harp or some porn depending on who you talk to. I wasn’t aware Clinton had died.

Deep in the bowels of Clinton’s grave there are some new enemies. They are all slight variations of other monsters. There was the Tonic Rapist, which is just a silver colored Rapist. I’m not sure if it tries to get you drunk then rape you, or if it actually ignores you and rapes the tonic. Both scenarios are equally horrifying. A purple colored Bigun is here called a “Druiatrix”. So it’s a druid and a dominatrix at the same time? That is one multi-tasking muppet penis! The Wolflord from Dragon Warrior is here, but is now named “BelAbzuk”. Does anyone know what that means? I think they just threw some gibberish in here and figured we’d all think it was some sex term we are too inexperienced to have heard. But they were wrong, I’m on to them!

You also come upon the Woody Smpson:

Dressed to kill with his pink boots and gloves

This is basically a Dickhead with a sword that they couldn’t even be bothered to change into a dildo. Is it Woody Sampson or Woody Simpson? The world will never know or care.

One of the items you find in Clinton’s grave is the Dildos Trap. This was the cursed item in Dragon Warrior. If you put it on, the game informs you that you are stupid and the Dildos Trap squeezes you. I think AC2K got dildos and pocket pussies confused.

After navigating Clinton’s huge and winding maze of a tomb, you are rewarded by finding the Silver Porn. I’m assuming that’s supposed to be old folks getting it on in that there magazine. It is one of the 3 items the faggots were holding for me, I think. Clinton must have been one of the faggots. Confusingly, if you use the Silver Porn you end up playing a harp. That is some very strange porn.

In a different cave an old man tells me that he has been wacking long for me.

His cock is a giant callus after all these years

Quite a disturbing image, that this old man from Dragon Warrior has been in this cave masturbating about my coming since Bigdick gave him an item to hold for me generations ago. Unfortunately he trades me the harp I don’t have for the Staff of Rain, yet another unchanged item.

As I get towards the end of the game, less and less has been changed. All of the monsters are either color variations of earlier ones, or are Dragon Warrior monsters with different names. Sometimes a Dragon Warrior monster slips by without even a name change. I encountered a blue tinted rapist, known as the Srial Rapist. A completely black Woody Smpson, known as the Knife Smpson. A black Gin, known as the Psyco Gin. The Knight from Dragon Warrior looks exactly the same, but is now known as the Smpson. I must be missing some sort of joke on the word Sampson. Maybe AC2K means Johnson (sometimes a name people call their penis), but got things mixed up. The most powerful version of the Werewolf is now known as the Fat Dyke. She is very hairy.. Oh wait, that’s just an unchanged graphic.

The only thing which comes close to a new monster is the Soft Dick:

This is a sad state of affairs

Really though, this is just the Wyvern from Dragon Warrior with a piss-poor looking penis snout stuck on it. That is shitty art even by ROM-hacking standards. So this thing is what the dicks of Soft dick were referring to? It still makes no sense, but at least he tried to tie it in somehow…

There are also variations on the Soft Dick, such as the Tiny Soft Dick, which is surprisingly the exact same size as a regular Soft Dick. It must have a lower self esteem. There is also the Small Soft Dick. Am I detecting a theme here? At least this Dick knows the spell of Masturbate!

After traveling long and far through the freakiest countryside since Deliverance, I arrived at a town surrounded by a wall and guarded by the Gimp. As it turns out the Gimp is the exact same thing as the Golem in Dragon Warrior but with a different name.

The Gimp was guarding Cuntlick, the Castle town. In Cuntlick I ran into the ever-famous Pisser. He had nothing of interest to say and was a waste of time to find.

It's like a lame superpower

It would seem that Bigdick’s dildo could “poke” virgin. Whatever, I thought they all could do that. Once again I’d say that half of the people in the town are still playing Dragon Warrior. I did learn that Bigdick’s armor is in the ruined town of Vasoline.

In the town of Vasoline you must fight O.J. Smpson to get Bigdick’s spandex. Unfortunately OJ has the same graphic as the Axe Knight from Dragon Warrior. I don’t recall OJ having a mohawk.

Around this time I learned some new spells. Most of the spells after the first few were unchanged, but then at the end, the Repel spell is now the B.O. spell, and the big healing spell has been changed to Masturbate. BO makes a lot of sense, but you’d think that a blowjob would be worth more than jacking it.

After obtaining the magic cum drop (which turns into the magic rain drop in your inventory), I was able to make the bridge appear to cumspot isle.

In the Dominatrix Castle life really sucks. This is because the whole thing is huge maze of bullshit. After stumbling around aimless for an eternity I found Bigdick’s Dildo. Cool, now I’m equipped and ready to take on the Dominatrix. She/He/It had better be changed or I’m shoving this dildo somewhere unpleasant.

Finally I’m there, at the Dominatrix, who as it turns out is a man. In a completely surprising move, the hackers of this “old” version of Dragon Pervert have actually hacked this part! The Dominatrix speaks:

The Dominatrix is in need of a good editor

OK… the great lay suc stand what? I think he is trying to ask me to suck his dick but has a serious speech impediment. If you actually decide to turn your back on your great homo-bashing ancestry and indulge in this act of faggotry, this is what happens:

The ending AC2K intended you to choose

And you die. It appears that not only do you die, but you are a sei slave, and the Dominatrix has you suck his dick until death only to be resurrected and made to keep sucking. This is the kind of shit that only happens in ROM-hacks! Even though I think that is a fitting end to Bigdick’s fucked up descendant, lets try killing the Dominatric this time.

The actual fight with the Dominatrix is identical to the other hack, complete with Assfuck spells. Once you defeat the Dominatrix form, he turns into the same old dragon from Dragon Warrior again. This time the screen isn’t even messed up. Whoever was hacking the graphics on this hack was one lazy SOB. And guess what? The ending is completely unchanged. What this says to me is that AC2K considered the ending of this hack to be when you agree to suck the Dominatrix’s cock for eternity.

So what happened really? The original story everyone was going with was that AC2K started this hack, gave up on it, then Spookykids continued his work. I don’t think it’s as simple as that. My thoroughly unscientific and unsubstantiated version of events is as follows: AC2K (and crew) started this hack. He released many unfinished versions in his rush to say “hey guys looked what I did!”. All the unfinished versions confused the hell out of everyone who didn’t know AC2K personally. Spookykids came across a very early version and thought that was the last one. Finding it funny he appropriated it and set out to finish it himself. Spookykids gave up after the 1st area because “Dis iz likez fuck1n work dudz!”, then released it unfinished anyway. Nobody realized it was unfinished because I’m the only person to ever play past the 1st area. Unbeknownst to Spookykids, and most other people, AC2K was actually still working on his hack, and released his “finished” version at a later date, which got labeled as the old version because Spookykids kept calling his the new version. And finally Professor Plum hung Spookykids in the kitchen with the rope, while Col. Mustard killed AC2K in the water closet with a tire iron while fucking Mrs. Peacock and snorting some coke.

The story ends there… or does it. I think a new story is about to begin. One of you out there reading this: “You are the 3rd -cousin of AC2K, and the step-uncle-in-law of Spookykids, in the past they were defeated by the evil demon Laziness. Only you can pick up their spandex and slut breasts. With these magical items you can defeat Laziness and finish this classic ROM-hack, showing yourself to be the true descendant of bad-ROM-hacking legends.”

The gauntlet has been thrown, prove your manliness!

 

unknown, 2007)