Review: Link Gets Laid
Review by unkown author
The vast majority of ROM-hacks are for the NES. It’s a thoroughly emulated system, and is still the primary venue for most ROM-hacks. Especially back in the early days. Today I bring you a hack by P3 Industry, The Legend Of Zelda: Link Gets Laid. This is a hack of a Gameboy ROM. Not the Color Gameboy, or even the Super Gameboy. This is that old monochrome mother fucker. I, like most ROM-hackers, have avoided this system. Why is that? Because quite frankly, its hard enough drawing 8-bit genitalia with color, I don’t even want to attempt it in monochrome. According to the credits P3 Industry made this in 1999. P3 is also responsible for such hacks as Megafag. Could this be a long-lost ROM-hack classic? I aim to find out during this review.
His arms appear to be boneless
The title screen is actually fairly well done. Whoever P3 Industry is (I doubt it is the Pharmaceuticals Partnerships Program, probably one lone pervert), he did a reasonable job considering. Is that a strangely effeminate Link on top of a volcano with a ginormous boner spurting black semen everywhere? What the hell is that boy eating? He has the sperm of death!
Note the unchanged Link graphic
At 1st this looks like the original Link’s Awakening game. Until you learn that you are being awoke from a wet dream by Likki on Clitmold Island. Things go horribly awry for Link the moment he gets out of bed. Suddenly he looks vaguely like Butthead, with a boner.
What the hell happened to him?
Likki informs us that Link washed ashore on a nudist beach, and now horny animals are raping the civilians. She urges abstainence, whatever that is. If she meant abstinence, she is fuck out of luck, Link aims to get laid!
Better go check that out right away!
Talking to Boner, the man of the house, he informs me that he found my condom. How did he know it was my condom? My name was on it!
Link Gets Laid teaches safe sex practices
Link is a total scumbag in this hack. He only has one condom, and he wears it all the time. He even has his name written on it. That thing has got to be pretty fucking nasty by now. This will be cock-mold island by the time Link is done with it.
It don’t really look much like a condom. More like a beaker, or maybe a penis pump. Or maybe Link has a perfectly cylindrical penis, with no head on it or curvature. Do you know what an elf cock actually looks like? No? Then shut the fuck up.
When you use your condom, this is what happens:
Someone explain why it comes out of his belly button...
Link’s cock can stretch to about the length of his whole body if he wears this condom. On top of that, his head and body shrink and change shape. Maybe Link is kinda like an amoeba. Maybe he is related to that guy from Orgy Time. Regardless, Link has one massive cock on him, he can put most horses to shame. Wandering around Skankville, there is much perversity afoot. I encountered a grove of male members:
On Clitmold Island, cocks grow from the very ground itself
Notice how on Clitmold Island, the insects travel from cock to cock spreading the semen around. I wonder where the cunt plants are? Unless… these are gay plants!
For Christmas baby wants a blow-up doll. They grow up so fast!
I encountered Cumrag and his wife. Cumrag informed me that he will be jerkin furiously later, and wants me to watch. His wife says her baby looks like shit, and wants a Rubber Doll and she doesn’t know what that is. What a charming couple.
She really took being raped well
I met a girl who informed me that her rapist is proud of his big dick. Gee honey, you haven’t seen Link’s yet then…
There is a library with all kinds of interesting books. Titles such as “Fun With Turds”, “Secrets Of The Whirling Dick”, “How To Handle Your Condom Like A Pro!”, “Sexy Secrets And Bullshit Of Clitmold”, etc. Unfortunately that last book is not readable without Geezer Bi-focals. The ever-informative Atlas of Clitmold Island can be found here, which actually has lots of place names in it sure to scare the fuck out of you in advance.
You can use the phones in town. All you get is a sex line with some slut named Jasmine. Or Old Fuckhole, depends on who you listen to.
Getting myself the hell out Skankville, I head south to the Shank Bank. None of the enemies appear changed. They certainly weren’t animals trying to rape me. Just the same old Zelda enemies. But I did come across this:
If that is my penis... then what is between my legs?!?!
It appears to be a woman, or possibly Jesus, blocking my way to a penis floating in the water. Could that be my penis? Wandering around for awhile the mystery is solved:
How do they make any money?
They are Sea Hookers, and they will kill you if you touch their tits. What the fuck. That’s no way to turn a trick you stupid bitches.
Before I can get my cock back, some damn owl lands and starts talking shit to me:
It's not a ROM-hack without a meandering tale of rape and racism
Apparently the owl considers this massive organ to be puny. Or maybe he is just being sarcastic. Either way it is apparently exciting the “rapists”, wherever they are. I cant have sex unless I stop the Omni-Negro from jerkin? P3 Industries sure did come up with one nonsensical storyline for this hack. Why on earth could I not have sex because a large black man is masturbating? I think P3 could not come up with anything so he just tossed in a bunch of random racial slurs and sex jargon. Still, I found my penis, which is apparently detachable (King Missile reference?). So I guess its off to the Forest of Fags.
It must hurt to tear off your cock and hold it aloft
Yea, its my dick because of the cum stains. That makes a lot of sense considering that A) I always wear this condom, and B) I cant have sex because I’m too disturbed by a black man masturbating somewhere far away. Is just a small touch of logical consistency too much to ask from P3?
Want to sword-fight?
As you can see, Link does not so much thrust with his penis, as he removes it and swings it around, balls and all. What a strange little creature! Are all elves like that?
Wait, you actually want piss?
I guess now is as good a time as any to explain a couple things. You don’t have hearts or life or whatever, instead you have urine. It is represented by glasses of urine, like in a sample. It makes no sense, as usual. So I can die from taking a leak?
And money has been changed as well. Instead of Rupies, its Pubies. Represented by pubic hairs. I guess money does not grow on trees… but it does grow between your legs!
He dug a used tampon out of the garden. Sicko
Secret Seashells have been replaced with Used Tampons. It would seem that Zelda really fancies them. Nothing like a tampon to get you in a ladies pants…
What the fuck is wrong with this owl?!?
Heading to the Forest Of Fags, I’m once again accosted by the sick little owl. It would seem that the Omni-Negro is jerkin it faster and faster everyday, and clitmold island is just full of queers. Somehow this prevents me from getting laid. I’ve seen many females already, and they don’t seem very lady-like. I bet I could score with them. But no, this owl says I don’t get none unless I stop the Jerker. P3 logic and all. So its off to find the nad in this forest so I can open up anus cave and find the sex toy that is hidden in it. How is a sex toy gonna help a man get aroused? Damn you P3 Industry and your illogical scenarios! I wonder how a sex toy got lost in Anus Cave… somebody must have really shoved it in there too far…
The enemies appear to be unchanged. But I did find some Spermacide!
Will it battle the sick cooties inside my condom?
Just what a man needs to prevent… pregnancy… what a minute, why do I want spermacide again?
So I lied slightly. P3 did somewhat change one enemy:
Complete with scrotal shield
Now it’s fighting with a penis, very similar to the one I fight with. Big deal! The other enemies hurl penii now. P3 Industry has some very peculiar ideas about how male anatomy works.
I thought I couldn't get aroused because of the Jerker? Lies!
I also found some yeast. Link is a sick fuck who loves toxic shock syndrome type sluts. So the smell of the yeast turns him on mightily… and makes him fight better somehow.