Review: Link Gets Laid
PAGE 2, CONT. FROM PAGE 1...
Did I pass? The drug test that is. That's what the samples are for, right?
Despite the owl’s claim that I could not get laid yet, I managed to. I found this fairy slut in the woods and she took care of my needs. She also surrounded me in urine samples. I think she is into water sports. Twisted little whore.
Link is easily amused
In the Forest Of Fags, I found some VajCheese. How lovely. This island is really putrid.
Shouldn't she be at menopause by now?
Then there is this nasty menstruation witch. She works in Vajcheese. If you give her yours, she turns it into Monistat 7 for you.
All this for some Monistat 7...
That witch really knows her vaginal infections! I must admit to be baffled by her though. What the fuck is a shithold? Sounds like some puke-ass nasty wrestling move.
Ain't she sexy?
Also in the Forest Of Fags is a raccoon hooker. Yea, raccoon pussy is sensitive to dust and powder… whatever… Use the Monistat 7 on this pathetic creature, and:
So he is a transvestite furry?
Apparently Boner ate some pussy which did not agree with him. I thought we couldn’t get laid because of the Omni-Negro? P3 Industry must have been paying close attention the Clinton presidency.. Oral sex is not actually sex!
Time to go ass mining for sex toys
After that I got the Anal nad. Great, now I can enter the Anus cave. Sounds like one nasty spelunking expedition. But before I head out, that damn owl showed up to heckle me and boss me around.
I’ve had about enough of this deranged owl. Go shove a tootsie pop up your ass.
Before I went to the Anus Cave, I stopped at town, and won a Rubber Doll:
Not much of a rubber doll
I then traded that to the sick mother for a Jock strap:
Not a fair trade
Then I traded the Jock strap for a can of Dog Shit:
An even worse trade
Finally I traded the canned shit to a crocodile on crack, who proceeded to eat it and gave me some “wankers” which look suspiciously like bananas:
Don't do drugs kids
What a gross trading circle! I feel like a really creepy horse trader.
Finally after all that, I went to Anus Cave. Anus Cave is little changed other than the name. It is an anus in name only. I did find some Crystal Meth though:
They also stashed drugs in this anus
This Crystal Meth makes you jump. It’s that exciting!
Will it also hack all the unchanged graphics?
I also found an Eraser. What the fuck? OK, so it lets me see censored cums hots? I’ve become convinced that P3 Industry is a collective of mildly retarded ROM-hackers. They just don’t really understand sex that well, but are obsessed with it nonetheless.
Porn... on a scroll
I also got porn. Yea, its just the map. The map to the pussy!… Never mind, its just not that well thought out.
Various other items had nonsensical cosmetic name changes. The Nigger Nad? Yea, that’s what you need to enter the bosses room.
After all this bullshit, you finally find the anal beads:
Damn, try shoving that up your ass!
They look strangely like a cello. Damn it must have hurt to get them stuck in here… And what happens when I extract this cello ..I mean anal beads.. From Anus Cave?
Remarkably clean anus this has been
Apparently a bowel movement! It must have been an obstruction…
Who is behind this owl? get it? who... hoo? oh never mind!
On my way back from Anus Cave, the owl shows up again and gives you another meandering tale full of typos. The anal beads I just got are apparently an sex toy of the virgins. Somehow they can defeat the Omni-negro if you collect them all. How is not obvious or explained. For the next sex toy I must travel to LiquiShitPool. I hope that wasn’t just unleased from Anus Cave when I pulled out the anal beads. The owl finds my beast to be sexually attarctive whatever that means. I didn’t know I had one.
They were so fierce they even raped houses
When I got back to Shankville, I was informed that while I was gone, pilgers or moblins came and raped everyone, even the rapist.
Very terrrrbile indeed!
That one odd girl tells you her rapist was molested by pilgers. And she wants to you return her Rapist to her. What the fuck is a pilger? Never heard of such a thing. I guess I better get the poor girl’s Rapist back to her, the bitch would be lost without her rapist and his huge cock.
Her Rapist is being held by the Moblin King:
I never agreed to rape moblins...
Bow Wow (or Rapist) in tow, I headed through LiquiShitPool, which was just an ordinary swamp, and entered Groper’s Cave.
As expected Groper’s Cave is little changed. I did find these words of wisdom written on a severed cock. Must have been a tattoo:
Omni-Negro... Giga Pimp... what's next? The Terra Queer?
Out-rape the Giga Pimp!??! Who is the Giga Pimp, and what is his relation to the Omni-Negro? Are these CIA code names?
I also found Sterois in this cave. It looks like a bracelet:
Hey P3, try this new invention, it's called a spell-checker!
I’m assuming P3 meant steroids. The number of typos has increased a lot since early in the game. I think P3 must not have even bothered to test out most of this stuff.
After typing it 1 million times, P3 still fails to spell fuck
The boss is the same clown from before, and even with mostly the same dialog. He gets fiuken pissed this time though. P3 put a lot of effort into him.
Douche Bag, pocket pussy... I guess they are interchangable
Finally the sex toy is found, it is the… Douche Bag?!? This is a sex toy? Really?