Review: Link Gets Laid
PAGE 3, CONT. FROM PAGE 2...
I returned Rapist to Madam Molester… and this is what happened:
Link was laid! I won! ...wait, you mean there is more... fuck!
When did the anal intercourse take place? Somehow I missed that! And here is further proof that the owl is full of shit. I got laid and the Omni-Negro did not prevent me.
I went to the store then. Bombs have been replaced by turds. I suppose that they are bombs in a way… And the shovel has been replaced by the Anus Plower, which looks just like a shovel. And the Bow has been replaced by the Spewage Gun. It appears to fire scrotums:
That is not spewage, that's the part that creates it. Stupid Link!
I’m not real sure though!
I encountered the owl again, and got the real story finally:
Clearly he is mentally ill, pay no attention
The Omni-Negro is on top of a giant egg on top of a mountain and jerking it furiously, feverishly. I guess we can all see him way up there, if we use binoculars, and the sight is pissing us off. To make him stop, I have to come and use the 8 sex toys in front of him. Somehow this prevents anal penetration. Maybe once he finally cums he will not be able to get it up again for that. Personally, I think this owl is just on drugs and making shit up. None of these supposed sex toys look anything like sex toys. Maybe the owl gets his kicks from watching me uses these musical instruments as sex toys!
In Fagbash Field, I came across Negroid, an ex-escort:
Who would hire this guy?
He says if I get him the 5 Golden Cocks from the castle Cumburp, he will give me the nad to the next cave.
The Castle is not changed other than finding cocks instead of leaves. Once the cocks have been collectd and given to Negroid, he allows you to go get the Slime nad. Great, now I can enter the next cave… The sinister Vaj Canal!
Vaj Canal is not changed much at all. I found the Whore Boots there:
How'd she lose boots in her VajCanal? What a slut!
Not much of a change really. How do I know they even really belonged to a whore?
This whole cave is little changed, even the boss has the same dialog from before. The sex toy was:
Link has a thing for robots
Brass Breast? What planet is this a sex toy on? We like our breasts nice and soft, not metallic and brassy, thank you very much!
Who would ever think to look there?
After getting the sex toy, I was told something about going to a spermfall. Oh the horrors!
On the way back, the owl shows up once again:
I wanted to get laid... not leave the island!
Utopia Desert? Why that don’t even sound sex or drug related. What’s up P3? Ran out of ideas already?
Back in town I found that the ocarina has been replaced by the schlong:
A cock was locked in a chest...
Unfortunately Link don’t know how to stroke this schlong right:
How could he not know by now?!?
I thought they all pretty much worked the same.
Not to worry though, a girl in town can teach me:
This is why we need sex ed in our schools
She has a thing for detachable penii. This is where things get really confusing, somehow this is the song Glory To The Omni-Negro. And my balls remember it. Very strange super-power. This poor girl has music and sex mixed up, her parents really did a number on her.
This one time... at band camp...
Somehow the bong I don’t remember carrying changed into a tromboner. Its best to not ask.
I arrived at Beast Sex City. Not much to see here, the changes are not as dramatic, I could tell P3 was no longer feeling it, or was uninspired this day. I did trade the tromboner, which looks suspiciously like honey, for some marajuana:
A pot-dealing, tromboner-loving bear
The bear went on to advise me that I need to bring Likki here, so that she can suck off some lard ass who is blocking the way to Utopia Sand. Likki is very popular in this town, all the critters go on about how great she is in the sack.
I went and got Likki, and got laid again:
Take that, Omni-Negro!
Then, afterward I transformed back into an elf and listened to Likki’s post-coital ramblings about cocain and how she wishes she were a fuck robot. She agrees to come with you and fuck a walrus. When we get there we both decide to go down on the walrus together:
What a romantic 1st date
How romantic… Afterward Likki heads off to Beast Sex City, presumably for a barnyard orgy.
After finding another “nad”, the owl tells me to go jump down a sperm fall:
He would be an expert on nads
Yes, totally nasty. Makes one wonder where all that jizz comes from? Could there be… masturbating giants?!?
Omni-Eggro?
This is the egg they were all talking about… I don’t see an Omni-Negro. I knew that owl was crazy!
On my way to the next cave, I encountered Cumrag… He wanted a blowjob:
What would you do... for some vagicil?!?
After engaging in some faggotry, Link was rewarded with some Vagicil… What the fuck was this dude wandering around with Vagicil for? Very peculiar!
Finally I made my way to the Tunnel Of Cum. As expected little has been changed. I got these ominous words of wisdom:
It predicts the ghost!
So soon homosexual necrophilia is going to be thrown into this sick mix?
The flippers have been replaced by the speedos. I’m not even showing that, it’s too insignificant.
P3 once again didn’t even bother to change the dialog of the boss.
And this one hums a tune...
All this for a harp shaped vibrator… at least this time that is an actual sex toy, unlike the brass breast.
Next I found a fish who taught me a song called “Bloody Jism”:
Call your local radio station today, request Bloody Jism!
What a putrid song! Is it by Gwar? P3 gave up with the concept of these being ways to stroke a schlong, this was clearly a song. Use it when I’m low on sperm? So I cum blood? Cool, now Link can have a man-period.
Next thing I know, some ghost is following me around. Eventually it starts complaining about orgasms, sex, hellyard, and other nonsensical bullshit.
Oh, the memories... stored in your balls...
I think it wants me to take it to it’s grave, or maybe to try to fuck it, I’m not sure.
Wow, my reward for helping the damn ghost was:
Grandpa's secret jam recipe
The directions to a jizz jar. Just what I always wanted! An antique sperm sample!
Then that damn owl appeared again:
Don't listen, he is a big fucking liar
At this point I pay little attention to this owl. Some crazy shit about swimming through sperm and up an ass. I know full well none of that is going to happen.