Review: Link Gets Laid

PAGE 4, CONT. FROM PAGE 3...

Cave 5 has been renamed Up The Ass. But unfortunately none of the graphics have been changed to match, so you just swim in ordinary water and enter the cat fish maw like in the regular game. As usual, this cave is an ass in name only.

You mean longer dong?

The hook shot was changed to the Long Dong. At least in name.

The boss babbles about the Omni-Negro before attacking, but is otherwise the same old eel.

I think the virgin that had this one was lesbian

All that for a Strap-on Cock. Which as usual looks more like a musical instrument.

Next I wandered around and continued the trading game. I traded an X-rated letter to some guy in exchange for a Shaft. I traded the Shaft to an old woman for a Faglure Hook. I traded the hook to a fisherman in exchange for a Clit Ring. I encountered a mermaid who said she lost her Clit Ring. In exchange:

How many does she have?

Yes, this poorly thought out sequence involves giving a mermaid her lost clit ring in exchange for a… Penis?!? This fails on so many levels it really boggles the mind. How does a mermaid wear a clit ring? Fish do not have clits! How does the mermaid have a penis? Or multiple cocks as this seems to suggest. She has a fish’s lower half! Even if you ignored that… it’s a female! All I can say, is that the mermaid of Clitmold Island must be a real terror, luring men with her sexy body only to pull a sneaky castration-style blowjob, then make off with their organ. She must collect them!

I ran into the owl again.. And he talked about arks. I don’t think this conversation was much changed. Fuck, I had come to depend on that owl for my deranged rambling inappropriate storyline fix. P3, you are letting me down!

On a mural in a cave I discovered the horrible truth:

Grammar was not a strong subject of the ancients

Yes… Clitmold Island is but a wet dream. I think I’d liken it more to a wet nightmare.

After reading that the owl appears and says:

If the Omni-Negro is a fish, how can he jerk it?!

As you can see it's some bizarre patchwork of the original game dialog and random bits of this owl’s Tourette’s Syndrome. P3 seems to be just coasting along on the minimum effort at this point. I’ve already been laid several times by now, I guess the owl missed those parts.

Aren't most of em bent? That's not unusual

I discovered that the Boomerang has been replaced by the Bent Cock. I swear that on Clitmold Island, all genitalia is detachable and never rots.

The Face Shrine has been renamed the Whore House. So does it contain Whores? No, it does not. It does contain the Mega Steroids though:

P3 totally dissed that Mike guy from his gym class in this hack

I have no idea who Mike McAndrew is. Google doesn’t seem to have a clear idea either. I’d speculate that Mike McAndrew was a fat person that P3 knew in real life. Maybe he was a whore as well?

As usual almost nothing has been changed in the so-called “Whore House”. The sex toy is:

I shall use it as a carrying case for the other sex toys

The Latex Pussy. It also doubles as a triangle. Don’t you just love these oddly musical sex toys? I bet P3 would be a blast at band practice.

As I left the Whore House, I was again accosted by the owl:

Bring on the rapists, I'm well prepared

OK, so we cant get aroused because of the Omni-Negro’s stroking, but the rapists love it? And by the way… where the fuck are these rapists at? I have not yet seen a single rapist, just the same old enemies from Zelda.

I came across some frogs, who were apparently rapists but also prostitutes, and for 300 pubies this happened:

Possibly this is an obscure insult directed at the French

The Kunts Songs Of Spew? What a riveting little number! I’ll just play it on my brass breast and Latex Pussy.

On my way through the Shithills, the owl appeared again:

Just keep walking, ignore the owl...

Fuck… it’s gonna be more sexually taxing? You know all that sex I’m supposedly not having.. It takes a toll! My dick Is… well it’s detached. Is that a bad sign?

I made my way into the 7th dungeon. “The PhallusPalice”:

I’m sure he meant Palace, spelling is not P3’s strong suit.

Glass does not reflect, Fuck McFace, you're thinking of mirrors

Yes, I found the Glass Condom. Bitches better be fucking gentle fucking me, or they will get a cunt full of broken glass. Somehow I cant imagine much sensation coming through the glass for Link though. I think this one is strictly for sadists to use on masochists.

My prize for all this bullshit:

Who the hellis Ina? Relative of Peter Gozinya?

The Raw Vaj Of Ina? What the fuck is that supposed to be? I suppose if cocks are detachable in the game, it makes sense that vaginas are too.

I came across Likki, she was stuck on a bridge.

These days rapes are most common on rickety old bridges

These “rapists” that I never encounter, have put her there. Because she is afraid of analingus?!? It’s probably best not to ask. After I rescued her, there was an essentially unchanged dialog where Likki almost confesses her feelings, but gets interrupted by Boner showing up and taking her home.

Not to worry though, the owl showed up for my fix of nonsensical perversity:

OmnoNegro?!?

Let me get this straight, this god-damned owl has been making me collect sex toys so I can use them in front of the Omni-Negro and stop his jacking… Yet all it really would have taken was Likki singing her song? And he is pissed that she was gonna do it that way? Link is dumb as hell for listening to this owl. Clearly it just wants to see him use those sex toys. Now it also wants to see him play with himself in front of… some stones? They are soft right now? The stones!?? I feel like I just encountered the Knights Who Say Ni, and was ordered to go get a shrubbery. This owl may be one of the all-time brain-damaged ROM-hack icons that no one knows about.

The last dungeon in the game is the TesteMounds. As expected little is changed.

The Magic Rod is now the FlameDild:

The perfect gift for that pyromaniac nymphomaniac on your list

I think this would be the last sex toy a girl would use, and she would be infertile afterward.

Despite the talk, this boss does not seem to have privates

The boss of TesteMounds is the same old boss, but he is under the impression I want to play with sex toys and/or privates. Does a flame have privates? Maybe she would like this FlameDild?

This one is for use on the woman and her unborn child together

The last “sex toy” is the Intrauterine. P3 has his birth control methods and sex toys mixed up. Not surprising though, he has proven to be a very mixed up individual.

Before going to face what I hope will finally be the Omni-Negro, I get stopped by Lick McClit.

Her sex is like a drug

She applied her special vaginal oils to me, which should help me in the coming battle. This girl has one powerful cooze!

After playing the instruments in front of the egg… err I mean using the sex toys.. The egg opened up. It was really anti-climactic, those were clearly instruments, and the owl showed and just said to go inside. I was hoping to get one last rambling paranoid-perverse send-off from that owl.

When I encounter the final boss, I learn that:

OMG, the Omni-Negro was thinking of me when jacking off!

OK, so the descendants of niggers created an Omni-negro to keep jerkin for them to take over Clitmold Island? I guess that makes as much sense as anything in this hack. P3 had to toss in some racism at the last minute. Unless he is suggesting these are the descendants of rappers, or P3 himself is black, then I guess you can use the N-word.

After defeating the final boss, some very strange shit happens.

I'm sorry, I did not rape this boss

I out-raped the Doom Niggegs? OK, 1st off, I have not raped a single thing in this entire game, all the sex I had was consensual. So whatever the fuck a Doom Niggeg is, it must not be much of a raper.

After this, I am suddenly an elf again, showing further laziness with the graphics hacking by P3.

The owl comes back and gives me this bizarre psycho-sexual yarn:

Luke, I'm actually your pimp in your dreams...

I’m glad this game is over, I’m tired of this fucking owl insulting my sexuality. How many woman do I have fuck to get away from being labeled a fag? This owl is actually the pimp daddy of the Omni-negro’s wet dream. So the pimps have even taken over in dreams? They are really enterprising! Could this line have been the inspiration for the ROM-hack, Pimp Daddy Link? Makes you wonder… Niggers entered your dream and started masturbating?!!? Have they no manners!??! The nerve!

Finally, the Omni-Negro itself makes an appearance.

Behold! The Omni-Negro! Oh, wait, that's just a whale... nothing to see here...

The Omni-Negro looks suspiciously like a whale, and is not black at all. He also proved that P3 does not actually know what a fag is. I assure you fags would not try to rape a slut. Though you can't rape the willing anyway so it's all intellectual. The Omni-Negro is very wise, teaching us all to remember to always wipe up our load after a wet dream. He’s like the Smokey The Bear of wet dreams. Remember kids… only you can wipe up your wet dream spooge, only you…

At the end you get the same old portraits of Link, and see the island vanishing as usual. P3 defiled this ROM in one final way… He changed all the credits to credit Perice for virtually everything. He was the programmer, graphic designer, sound engineer.. why he even got specially thanked. Truly the sign of a man with a huge ego, he decided that the final insult to Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto would be to claim he designed the whole game.

After what seemed like ages, this review is over. I think this ROM-hack is in fact a lost Badhack classic. It came out the same year as Dragon Pervert, but was noticed even less. Yet, P3 actually made a more thorough hack, which is at least as perverse and nonsensical. He needed to finish hacking the graphics, but at least he did the entire storyline. And he did manage some of the graphics. I think most people saw Link Gets Laid, and assumed it was a simple graphical hack, that it would be horribly incomplete. I know that’s what I originally assumed about it. But it turns out we were all wrong, this is a long journey into a wet nightmare world of stroking niggers, detachable penii, and a deranged sex-obsessed owl.

 

(unknown, 2008)