Madman Days: A Serious Story for BHDN by unknown
Chapter 1: The Springtime of Youth, and other Faggy Romanticist Clichés
During my first year I lived in a dormitory dominated by typical alpha-male-jock-frat-boy types. These guys would make noise all night by playing loud music, wrestling in the hallways, and shooting people with pellet guns. Of course they were also doing drugs, underage drinking, and all sorts of illegal stuff. Why is the word “illegal” in boldface? Well, it will be a keyword later on in this story.
These frat boys would frame me for pulling a fire alarm, throw food at my door, sneer and shoot their pellet guns at me whenever I walked down the halls, and enter my room whenever I left the door unlocked.
Finally, I had enough and contacted the University of Pencey Housing Office about all this. The most this Housing Office ever did was “talk” to them. No police officers showed up and no one was ever forced to leave in the middle of the semester. I suppose that the authority in this school thinks that being “talked to” is a frat boy’s greatest fear and will set them straight.
Well, despite these boys receiving a hard talking to, they kept doing what they were doing all the way until the end of the school year - even on finals week. During finals I got very little to no sleep. I wound up failing my finals (and thus my classes) due to lack of sleep, and my GPA dropped so low there was no way I could transfer to another university. Of course, there was also the option of transferring to a community college, but that is a one-way ticket to a dead end job.
The next year I returned to University of Pencey, and this time I lived next door to a white supremacist. This guy was completely obnoxious and even turned my roommate against me. Unfortunately, this guy also had a lot of connections in University of Pencey because he just happened to be the guy who would put on the school mascot costume during sports games. He had connections in the school’s internal “Judicial Affairs Committee” and enough friends that would kiss his ass and lie for him. I’ve even seen him call an Asian guy a “chink” and then punch him in the stomach afterwards, and him and his buddies would pressure the Asian guy into forgiving him a few minutes later.
No one else had the testicular fortitude to stand up to him. There was this one black guy who would always complain about him being racist, and that he wanted to “get that bastard!” In the end the black guy would kiss up to the Neo-Nazi so that he would fit in with the Neo-Nazi’s circle of friends. A black man who kisses up to a white supremacist? Martin Luther King, Jr. must be pressing Z or R twice in his grave!
Years passed by and the white supremacist graduated as valedictorian, and the dead MLK barrel roll guy graduated and became a lab teacher’s assistant. This should give you a general idea of the type of virtuous, honorable, open-minded people who rise up the academic ranks here at University of Pencey.
And there is also this school dormitory, which I shall call “West South”. Every time you walk by this dorm it always smells like pot. If you go into the nearby engineering building to do some homework, you can still smell the pot fumes coming from West South. Even if you live off-campus on the street adjacent to West South, you would still not be able to get any sleep at night because of all the rowdy noise. Why did I bring that up just now? Well, some serious drama crap is going to go down near West South.
So living in a crime-ridden city while attending a school that allows students to act like wild animals, I usually equip myself with 2 pepper sprays and a taser for self-defense. I match the stereotypical description of the scrawny-glasses-wearing-nerd with an ectomorph body type. In addition, I have a serious medical condition that makes me physically weak. So if I am in a bad situation, I can’t exactly defend myself by throwing kung-fu kicks like Jean-Claude Van Damme in Timecop. Being physically weak, I depend on these items for self-defense. I didn’t think it would cause any controversy since you can buy them without any background check.
I attended University of Pencey for a few years and took a year off. When I returned, I decided to live in an off campus apartment near the school so I wouldn’t have a repeat of this “academic campus experience” that I’ve mentioned. This apartment was just a bit across the street from West South.
When I made this decision, the University of Pencey Housing Office was not pleased. A bimbo with a stick up her ass ran the Housing Office, and kept insisting that I signed a contract to live on campus. Then she started threatening to send the school’s lawyers and attorneys after me.
Yeah, that’s right. The only time they start throwing the book at people and using the arm of the law is when they have to protect revenue.
I had to dig through some financial records to prove to them that I am incapable of paying for two apartments (the one on campus and the one off campus). I am living off of student loans for fucksake! They finally broke the contract, but I was forced to pay an $800 contract termination fee.