Madman Days: A Serious Story for BHDN by unknown
Chapter 3: Drama Crap Hits the Fan
Because I have the utmost respect for a person in uniform, I obediently complied with the officer’s command to “GET OVER HERE!!!”
There were two police officers in that car: one in the driver’s seat and one in the passenger’s seat. For ease of retelling this event, I will call the officer in the driver’s seat “Pig A” and the officer in the passenger’s seat “Pig B”.
Pig A had summoned me and made me present my driver’s license and student ID. He then said “I’m going to step out of the vehicle. Put your hands behind your head, I gotta search you for any dangerous materials. Do you have anything on you that I should know about?”
I just said, “Just some pepper spray and a taser.” While he was searching me, he found the pepper sprays and taser and put them on the top of the police car. While my hands were forced behind my head, I asked Pig B who had gotten out of the passenger’s seat “What’s going on?!? Do I look like a drug dealer?!?”
Pig B replied, “We received a report of someone matching your physical description marking graffiti on walls.”
When he said that I thought he meant gang members putting up their gang signs on the sides of buildings or something. I said, “No.”
He then said, “Are you sure? You can’t lie to us.”
I then remembered my little habit of marking down the n00d Raider URL on bathroom walls and began to suspect that was what he meant. I asked, “Can you describe the graffiti?”
He said, “We received reports of someone marking up graffiti on the bathroom walls in the new University Center. Do you know anything about that?”
I thought to myself about this situation. They already have my student ID number and a witness to place me at the scene. If I said no, they can always ask one of my professors for one of my handwritten homework assignments, do a handwriting analysis, and find out I did it. After all, at this point someone out there is really that concerned about a bathroom wall if they went as far as calling the police. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went as far as requesting a handwriting analysis. That, coupled with the witness account, I would eventually be arrested later in my apartment for both the graffiti and lying to a police officer (which can be charged as “obstructing a police officer”).
I could plead the Fifth, but since they can prove that I did it anyway, it would just be a waste of time and money, going to court and paying legal fees and all.
In an attempt to minimize the damage, I said, “Sometimes I write down a video game website on bathroom walls.”
Pig B tells me the following; the graffiti counts as vandalism, can be charged as a felony, and I could go to state penitentiary.
Then Pig A explained to me this little technicality; if I had just written down the URL on a piece of paper and taped it to the wall, it would not have been vandalism, but since I actually wrote it on the wall it counts as vandalism.
In other words, if you write on a bathroom wall, you will go to jail. Um, I guess that’s fair and reasonable punishment for harmless writing on a bathroom wall? I don’t know.
Before I know it, there is an entire convoy of police cars behind me.
They put my pepper sprays and taser into a plastic evidence bag as if I murdered someone. Then Pig B tells me that I am only allowed to carry 1 can of pepper spray, not 2. He also tells me that although tasers are legal, they are not allowed on any campus. Then he says, “So you’re carrying weapons into bathroom stalls and marking up graffiti?”
I replied, “The two are completely unrelated!”
He then holds up the plastic evidence bag with my pepper sprays and taser and says, “Pal, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it looks like you’re ready to take someone down!”
I pleaded to the pigsty police convoy behind me, “This all one big misunderstanding! I am not part of any gang!”
Pig B replied, “Even though you are carrying weapons into bathroom stalls and marking up graffiti?”
They kept asking me if I was out to hurt anyone. I kept telling them the truth: that I wasn’t and that I kept those items purely for self-defense. If I was out to hurt someone, I’d be carrying handguns and a shotgun, not pepper sprays and a taser.
But they wouldn’t listen to me.
Then Pig B told me that “carrying weapons into bathroom stalls and marking graffiti” was “suspicious” and I was detained in the back of that police car while they finished their investigation.
When they finally let me out, they told me that University of Pencey’s internal Judicial Affairs Committee would handle the vandalism.
As for the weapons, Pig B (if you haven’t realized this by now, he’s a mean little piggy) says, “I gotta send this to the DA. You’re not gonna get this back, you hear? This is suspicious.” And I was told that the District Attorney would handle the weapons charge.
At this point I realized that the authorities were just trying to screw me over in every possible way like an anime schoolgirl.
Afterwards, they told me that the school could either expel me, or press charges for vandalism and have me sent to a state penitentiary.
I got to my apartment, called some friends and family, and then e-mailed Webmaster to remove n00d Raider Gold and all mention of n00d Raider from the site. If the Judicial Affairs Committee or the police found the n00d Raider hacks, they would take it the wrong way, think I was some sort of sexual deviant, and use it against me. Webmaster really saved my ass when he did this—because as it turned out, eventually they would use this against me.