Madman Days: A Serious Story for BHDN by unknown
Chapter 4: University of Pissy
The next day I spoke to a professor about this and they told me “This isn’t a big deal, but the school is going to make it a big deal because it cost money to clean up.”
After visiting this professor, I went to the Judicial Affairs office and spoke with someone regarding what would happen to me. I offered to help clean up the mess and pay any damages, but the angry response I got was “The new University Center is a multi-million dollar facility! What were you thinking?!? You are not getting out of this!”
I’m pretty sure that the biology, chemistry, and engineering buildings cost a pretty penny as well, but the cops didn’t show up those times. Apparently, they are not as vital to the academic function of a university as a shiny new bar/cafeteria.
Then they said something along the lines of “We want to make sure that the people who graduate from University of Pencey are responsible and functional members of society. We don’t want people graduating from University of Pencey and going out into the world defacing property. That is not the image we want for a University of Pencey student.”
Huh? Really?
University of Pencey is well known for being a wild party school. If you are a prospective student and take the campus tour, the tour guides will put a lot of emphasis on the fraternity and sorority houses and their history, and not spend as much time on the academic side of University of Pencey. Actually, have you ever seen the movie Dead Man on Campus? University of Pencey is exactly like that. But perhaps University of Pencey is such a high and mighty institution that they can redefine what “responsible and functional members of society” means if they want to.
Almost two weeks later it was time for my trial in front of the Judicial Affairs Committee. Instead of being charged for just vandalism like the police officer had said, I was also being charged with “carrying firearms and/or objects resembling firearms”, “display of firearms and/or objects resembling firearms”, and “engaging in felonious activity.”
Yup, I knew it. They were trying to screw me over in every possible way, like a young Haley Joel Osment locked alone in a room with Michael Jackson.
When they asked me why I was writing on bathroom walls, I gave them a plea that I have anger management problems. This really isn’t deceitful or dishonest, considering how I get fucking pissed whenever I remember the crap I endure while attending this school.
Then one of them asked, “These weapons, tell me about these weapons. What are they for?”
I told them that I carried these “weapons” because I lived in a rowdy dorm during my first year and the people there were wild and unpredictable, and now I live off campus where there are some incidents (the ones I mentioned before).
Then they started interrogating me about badhacks.net.
One of the board members said, “Physical plant has reported that they have been cleaning up this web address off of the UC bathroom walls for about a month. What is this website? What is this badhacks.net?”
I replied, “It’s a video game joke website.”
Then one of the board members countered my statement, saying they visited badhacks.net and claimed that it is a pornographic website.
Do not adjust your monitor and do not bother rereading the sentence above because it is not a typo. According to these people, badhacks.net—a video game parody website dealing with potty humor, gay jokes, and Wilford Brimley—is actually a bona fide pornographic website.
I must really be out of the loop when it comes to current porn trends, because I had no idea that naked Mario hacks are considered primo masturbatory material.
The interrogation continued.
“Do you own badhacks.net?”
“No.”
“Do you have a web page on badhacks.net?”
“No.”
“Do any of your friends own badhacks.net?”
“No.”
The trial eventually ended and they would not tell me my punishment until the next day. The wait was an experience that was nerve racking as Hell.