Review: Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337
Review by unkown author
(Do you plan on playing Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337, but haven't gotten around to it yet? Don't read this review if so, it will spoil the fuck out of it for you -Jomb)
It’s been over a year now since I started writing reviews. Longer than that since we started Badhacks.net. I figure this next review has to be a special one, to commemorate over a year of bringing you the inside track into ROM-hack hell. So here is my review of Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337 by Dr. Floppy.
The year was 2004. ROM-hacking was in serious decline. The first batch of free-wheeling ROM-hackers had all vanished. Some died, some “grew up”, some got bored and moved on, others were locked away in institutions or facilities. The art of ROM-hacking had been hijacked by a bunch of humorless whine-babies. The point is the scene was in need of serious medical treatment by the time 2004 rolled around. One doctor put on some scrubs, washed his hands, and sliced some shit up with a scalpel, creating the ROM-hack masterpiece Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3. That’s not the hack I’m reviewing today however. Dr. Floppy had long proclaimed Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 to be incomplete. Years passed and we all assumed that he was bullshitting us, and Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3 would remain as we all knew it to be. He seemed to have moved on, creating Super Catholic Brothers. So I got an unexpected treat a couple months ago when I found Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337 in my inbox. This is the finally complete version of Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3.
Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337
Immediately I notice a change in palette, to go along with the slight name change. No longer is this part 3 in a series missing parts 1 and 2. It is now part 1, 337 in a series missing the first 1,336 parts. It’s my understanding that this hack is different from Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 3, due to some graphical updates, and most importantly by adding in full access to the fourteen "Lost Levels”. I must admit I had no idea Super Mario 3 had any lost levels. I’m not even sure I’d recognize a lost level if I encountered one. Jomb is not into Mario brothers to the obsessive extent he’d need to be to know about such things. Never-the-less, it’s a very impressive achievement for a ROM-hack, and I’m sure somewhere out there a Super Mario-phile is busting a nut about it.
You are but a lowly Jew ball
You control Pilke (and Nus if you play a 2-player game), a Jewish testicle. As far as I can tell, Pilke is a resident of a drug-filled kingdom which was some sort of doped up Hebrew paradise… until the Nazi Penis Cartel showed up! The fascist cocks are hell-bent on destroying you. Probably on controlling the drugs as well. Obviously the Nazi Penii were sent by Hitler to wipe out the Jewish testes, thus insuring the final solution when no new Jewish semen can be produced. Maybe. I’m kinda grasping on the storyline here because Super Mario 3 has no intro story. I’m going with it though. Stop looking at me like that. It doesn’t all have to be spelled out in black and white all the time. Read between the lines, use your imagination.
As you can see, you are a Jewish testicle. Somehow the testicle escaped the scrotum and slides along the ground. It can also hop. Fuck that has to hurt. No ordinary testicle could take on the Nazi Penis Cartel, it takes one so tough it busted right out of the scrotum, left the body behind, and set out to fuck shit up. How do we know this is a Jewish testicle? Simple, it’s wearing one of those hats. A Yarmulke? Or is this a fez? I’m easily confused by hats of middle eastern origin.
Your Jewish teste can transform as you get items.
They ran out of white sheets
The klan hood allows you to transform into a klansman. Unfortunately you’re up against the Nazis and not the klan, so the Nazi Penis Cartel still tries to kill you even when disguised as a klansman.
I want those beard-braid things in my pubes
The penis pump changes you into a giant penis. This member is very acrobatic and clearly feels no pain. It can smack enemies with its own nut-sack, killing them. If you do it just right you can even fly by leaping in the air and flapping your scrotum just so.
Its a bird! It's a plane! No wait, it's... an unidentified flying cock...
Nazis beware, I can fly and I’m not afraid to tea-bag you so hard it kills you!
Now you're playing with power... Nazi power
The cross allows you to hurl burning swastikas at your enemies. Fighting fire with fire, as it were.
Move along, nothing to see here, it's only a huge grey cock
The Tanooki Mario suit has been changed to the fried chicken leg. It turns you into a giant walking black penis instead of a white one. Also, you can turn into a grey erection and somehow be ignored by the Nazi Penis Cartel.
An extra Jewish teste was hiding in this KKK hood, apparently
Extra lives are now KKK hoods, which descriptively declare “KKK!” when you collect them. Am I a Jewish testicle or a KKK member? Sometimes it's not so clear. Could I be a testicle belonging to a Jewish man who somehow joined the KKK?
Jewish testicles are renowned drug fiends
The star has been replaced by heroin. Shoot up with this shit and you’ll be invincible. For a short period of time. Then it’s a major crash back to earth. The high lasts about as long as a heroin high in real life, very realistic.
Nothing like some ganja to unwind an uptight gonad
The warp flute has been changed into a joint. Now that’s some good weed. Smoking it causes a marijuana leaf to sweep you away to...
So many drugs, so little time...
...a magical land full of pot, pills, open flames, lynched black people, wymn’s clinics, and blatant website plugs.
Time to smoke dope and kill Nazis
The game starts out in Reich 1. This means that you don’t so much travel from place to place, as time period to time period, in Germany. According to the Nazis, The First Reich was the Holy Roman Empire. Pot is very popular here.
Obedient nude girls stay in their boxes
Who knew the Holy Roman Empire was full of marijuana and nude girl boxes. I suppose these are the excesses that brought the empire down. There are lots of swastikas sprinkled around - like all Nazis (see Punk Mario), the Nazi Penis Cartel is all about branding everything in sight. If you hit one of the nude girl boxes, a pill pops out and you’re told to fuck off.
Something about smashing a teste into a box makes me cringe
This is either speed, or a birth control pill. Collect 100 for an extra teste. I think it must be a birth control pill, because by depriving the nude girls of their pills more testes are born.
Who could be behind all this bullshit?...Homoman?!?
In what is clearly an homage to Megacrap, there are gaybo hills in the distance. That’s right, gotta recognize the classics mother-fucker. Better be careful though - everybody knows gaybos are bent on destroying your dick, but we aren’t so sure about what they would do to a teste. Bryan, get your ass out of retirement/hiding and give us some answers!
At the end of each level, you no longer play slots for a flower, mushroom or star. Now its klan hoods, intravenous needles, and a German cross thingy. Fuck if I know the technical name for that thing.
Nothing scarier than a drug-fiend Nazi KKK member
If you get 3 of them you get extra lives, just like in SMB3. Unlike in SMB3, you tell France to suck it and demand someone strubs your balls.
Strub the fuck out of this ball, whatever that means!
The castles have been changed into oat factories.
The world is doomed when Nazi Penii, the KKK and Wilford Brimley team up
The KKK has become involved in oat production ever since Wilford Brimley joined up. Beware of the burning oats. And the rotating swastikas.
These oats are toasted on red-hot swastikas. It's Nazi tech at work
Nazi KKK oat factories are dangerous fucking places. The symbolism of a swastika can literally kill you. Wilford Brimley wouldn’t have it any other way.
Deep in the castle you encounter this:
I thought my Jew-ball was into drugs? Why fear the needles?
A large klansman hell-bent on making you overdose on heroin. But then the hood comes off...
Wilford Brimley!?? Didn't see that one coming
Jesus fucking christ it’s Wilford god-damned Brimley. You have to beat his ass and steal his oats. I have to give it to Dr. Floppy, this is probably the 1st time a ROM-hacker stood up to the prominence of bullshit Wilford Brimley-related ROM-hacks. Way to put that diabetic bastard in his place. Call a spade a spade and reject Wilford Brimley in the ROM-hacking world.
The one place Mario refuses to die in
The mini-game in SMB3 in which you had to line up the pictures has been changed somewhat. Now it’s a casino where they try to talk you out of your diet. Unfortunately the actual mini-game is unchanged. It’s still stars, flowers and toadstools. I can't be too upset though, this is one of the very few times in the game where something was left undone.
I just took a prize without fucking her - Pilke's saving it for Kestl
Toad’s house of treasure chests is now the home of a hentai. Apparently that’s a horny female amputee. She’ll give you a present if you fuck her armless gimpy ass.
Even the secrets were hacked
A truly obese fatty
On the meth is fun level you have to ride flying cigars. The damn things don’t like to stay in the sky much. I cant seem to light them either. What a jip. Shoddy Penis Cartel craftsmanship!
Time to molest the molester
Sometimes you can find the secret hut of molestation. There you can steal the hentai’s Viagra. I’m not sure if she’s with the Nazi Penis Cartel, or if she’s a freelance molester. The Viagra lets your penis form fly without getting tired. Unfortunately you can still lose that erection very easily with one touch of a Nazi.
It seems we're about to play Uno
Every so often, a secret 69 spade card appears on the map, so you can play a gay card game. The cards in it have been changed:
Drugs, explosives, and chicken. Prizes don't get better
Now you can win pills, TNT, heroin, and chicken legs.
You’ll encounter all manner of strange Nazi Penii and their allies, as you make your way through The First Reich. There is the small limp phallus:
The pathetic limp dick hides in the weed
It sways from side to side while sliding across the ground. So limp and pathetic, just waiting to get flattened. These are the run-of-the-mill cock soldiers of the cartel, not really much of a threat.
There is also the hopping variant:
Behold, Nazi Penis tech at work
Using 2 Nazi-themed pinwheels, the little fella can almost achieve flight. If only it could achieve an erection I might be scared of it. Limp-dick bastard.