Review: Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337
PAGE 2, CONT. FROM PAGE 1...
Beware of the pipes, some of them now contain the Nazi Tube Snake:
Jesus tap-dancing Christ that would hurt to pass
This giant johnson, spews out burning swastikas. The poor thing has contracted a Nazi strain of the clap. It can be a major annoyance. Fortunately it can't leave its pipe.
A non-infected version also exists:
The jizz fountain
The healthy Tube Snake is less dangerous, and less Nazi.
There is the confused klansman:
Various symbols of hate collide in one confused heap
This KKK member wanders around with a noose, hell-bent on lynching someone. No one sent him the memo that he’s a member of the Nazi Penis Cartel, not the KKK Penis Cartel. The dumb fucker even wore a helmet instead of a regular cloth klan hood. If you jump on him you can smash him down into the helmet and roll it into enemies, like a turtle shell.
What happens when the KKK partners with Nazis
Like with the small limp phallus, there is also a hopping variety. Nazi scientists slaved for years coming up with swastika pinwheel flight technology. They have yet to perfect it however.
In the castles you will encounter the boner skeleton:
Your cock in X-ray
I know it can be hard, and there is the expression “to bone” someone, but there is not literally bones inside of it. Try telling that to this undead freak though! Like a real living erection, the thing is relentless. No matter how many times you make it go down, it keeps erecting again.
Yet another type of klansman:
It's Earth day bitches, best be purifyin'
This kind is very confused on the color of robe he’s supposed to be wearing, and hurls burning crosses at you. White was supposed to symbolize racial purity. What the fuck does green symbolize? A KKK Kommitment to saving the rain forests?
When you are in GHB land, beware of the Chinese heads:
It could be a Chinese testicle or head, its hard to tell
I’m assuming these are the fucktards who put date rape drugs in your kids' Aqua Dots. Don’t let them take advantage of you.
Why do you all assume I can solve your problems for you?
At the end of The First Reich, you encounter the king and his hentai. Although he’s clearly been changed into a dog, you are told that he is in withdrawal and needs his ketamine.
2 heroin needles = invincibility, 4 = death
The pirate ship is full of cannons firing swastika balls and intravenous needles, presumably with some nasty drug inside. They might also be why the king looks like a dog to me.
Nazi Penis Cartel revealed
The boss is now a Nazi Penis wearing a klan hood, smoking a joint while trying to inject you with HIV-infected heroin needles. Bravo Dr Floppy, bravo. When you beat him (pun intended), he goes up in flames, and you get the ketamine.
Burn that infected peter clean
The king is so grateful he offers you that hentai’s anus, and she obliges by turning around and bending over.
So when does the butt-raping take place?
How does a testicle rape someone? Does the testicle have its own penis? Oh to wonder. It’s completely different if you get the ketamine as a black dick.
The king's just jealous
WTF? So a black dick can't get no love, while a white one gets ass served up to it on a silver platter? The king must not realize that racism is dead. Obama won. It's over. Deal with it!.
Surviving the First Reich, you get Viagra and a letter from kestl, finally advancing the (mostly) imaginary plot somewhat.
Jewish vaginas are strangely colored
Bitch, it’s too late to warn me about bullshit Brimley. I like the vaginal signature though, you don’t see that often enough.
The Second Reich is strangely arid
The Second Reich was Otto Von Bismarck’s German Empire, from 1871-1918. It looks like a completely different place from the perspective of a Jewish gonad struggling against the Nazi Penis Cartel. I’d say this level is more KKK and less Nazi. The impact of the Super KKK brothers series can be felt as the lynch-victims sway in the gallows. Super Blackman, where are you?
Second Reich, land of the decaying black folks
It’s like the aftermath of a KKK-related holocaust here.
The Second Reich is home to an assortment of new Nazi Penis Cartel goons:
The KKKoward
This miniature Klansman likes to hide inside a symbol and hop around. This one is just a pathetic little man hiding behind symbols and robes. Kind of like klansmen in real life.
There is the burning black man:
Die already, creepy fuck
Quite possibly the sickest enemy in the game, this guy was so full of self-loathing that he volunteered to be burned by the KKK, then follows them around and shines their shoes, cleans their toilets, or burns minorities for them. All the while hopping around in agony, yet refusing to die. Fucking race-traitor.
A variation on this one is the chained burning black man:
Somebody put these poor bastards out of their misery!
This unfortunate person of color was set on fire, but wouldn’t cooperate with the KKK, and wouldn’t die neither. They chained em’ up, and now the poor thing tries to kill anything it can reach while suffering in silent agony.
The condom rider:
Rubber bounces, so it jumps higher
The Nazi Penis scientists have developed weapons grade condoms, which this penis rides in. Instead of just protecting against pregnancy the traditional way, it now also protects by attempting to hop on top of and flatten testicles. Particularly Jewish ones. That means you Pilke. I cant believe there isn’t a swastika on this baby. What the fuck is going on over at NPC headquarters. You can take over the condom and hop around in it. Unfortunately the damn thing wears out at the end of the level.
The Flag-Riding Confederate:
Once again, symbolism literally hurts you in SNPCFF
Is it any surprise this asshole likes to hang out with the KKK? This good-old-boy flies around in a confederate flag, almost as if the damn thing were a magic carpet, all the while hurling other confederate flags down at you. Those fuckers are deadly too. Sorry grandpa, the South lost. The confederacy is over. Your daughter married some black guy. You probably drove her to it by being such a sore loser. Fucktard.
The KKK Snorkler:
Bringing racial purity to the briney depths
This miniature Klansman was trained to be at home in the water. All klansmen believe that non-whites have webbed hands and feet, which makes them excellent swimmers. The klan has to go diving to find any escaped slaves.
Inside Brimley’s Oat factory, I came across the Quaker Oats flattener:
How could you, Quaker?
This thing is not so much an enemy as a malicious machine which tries to crush you if you walk under it. I thought Quakers were all about tolerance and shit. Fucking bitch-ass Brimley has them all corrupted and shit.
The Wilford Brimley ghost:
Even in death, Brimley won't get the fuck out of ROM hacks
Logic was thrown out the window for this one. I mean even more logic. How can I be fighting Brimley at the end of each castle if he’s dead and a ghost? And how can there be so many ghosts of the same man? There is only one explanation… the horrifying conclusion... Deceased Wilford Brimley clones!
On the infamous sun level, the sun has been replaced with:
?
Your guess is as good as mine. I think it’s either a giant flying wrinkly tit, or a wrinkly old face with closed eyes. Perhaps a spider on a beach ball. Whatever it’s supposed to be, it’s a major pain in the ass.
At the end of The Second Reich, it’s the same deal with the king and his missing ketamine. And once again the king’s graphics are unchanged. There is very little to complain about in this hack, actually its one of the most thorough around, but the kings could have been made into something else.
On the ship, there was a new enemy:
We're nearing the KKK saturation point
Another variation on the swastika throwing klansman. Am I up against the Nazi Penis Cartel? Could have fooled me, I’m mostly fighting the KKK anymore. The Nazi Members have completely taken over the KKK. Where’re the Grand Wizards?
The boss and the ketamine retrieving sequence were the same as in the last reich. Kestl sent me another letter though:
I need a bunch of Fukdat!s in real life
She wants me to blow up abortion clinics. Presumably only Jewish abortion clinics, because we need all the Jew-balls we can get after the Nazi Penis Cartel took over. She also gave Pilke the coolest item ever in any game, the Fukdat!. Who wouldn’t want to bypass total bullshit? That would bypass the entire game in a lot of hacks. I’m looking at you, insane difficulty level hacks.
Nazi Germany's spawning pools
The Third Reich, which is supposed to be the actual Nazi Germany, ruled by Hitler, does not resemble Germany at all. Lots of water. Probably global warming and the melting icecaps fault. The KKK Konservationists failed.
Paul reaches out to the "fucked-up weirdo" demographic
The Ron Paul campaign managed to travel here and put up some signs. Just like the real Paul ‘08 campaign, they cant support any weight and fall off of the screen before the end.
During the Third Reich, I acquired a strange double sperm:
Pilke devolved into a sperm
It turned me into a very happy giant sperm. At times I have two tails. This form swims very well, but can only hop around awkwardly on land. This weird green mutant never is able to find the Dr Seuss uterus or the green egg inside. Blame it all on the radiation.
In the water you come face to face with the Sperm Twins:
Synchronized sperm swimmers
It’s just a pair of sperm which swim around and try to kill you. The way they stick together, they must be gay spermatozoa.
The Trojan:
They broke on me all the time too...
This giant condom inflates with sperm, then explodes. The sperm then come after you. The waters of Nazi Germany are a literal cesspool of semen. Dumb ass Nazis never read the packaging on their Trojans, you aren’t supposed to use them underwater. Retards.
Go back to Zombie Nation
I don’t know who the fuck this simian looking head is supposed to be, but this fuckhead hops out of the water and can swallow a cock whole in one bite. To make matters worse, this cock-swallowing caveman reject keeps coming back no matter how many times you kill it.
And the variation:
I call him Colonel Cock-munch
This one already ate it some dick, and now likes to live in the deep water, where it keeps regurgitating the cock, then re-eating it. That way it gets to enjoy it over and over again.