Review: Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337

PAGE 2, CONT. FROM PAGE 1...

Beware of the pipes, some of them now contain the Nazi Tube Snake:

The penis is crude, the swastika is not

Jesus tap-dancing Christ that would hurt to pass

This giant johnson, spews out burning swastikas. The poor thing has contracted a Nazi strain of the clap. It can be a major annoyance. Fortunately it can't leave its pipe.

A non-infected version also exists:

Muppet-cock, very popular in NES ROM hacks

The jizz fountain

The healthy Tube Snake is less dangerous, and less Nazi.

There is the confused klansman:

There were no KKK in the First Reich - no one told this guy

Various symbols of hate collide in one confused heap

This KKK member wanders around with a noose, hell-bent on lynching someone. No one sent him the memo that he’s a member of the Nazi Penis Cartel, not the KKK Penis Cartel. The dumb fucker even wore a helmet instead of a regular cloth klan hood. If you jump on him you can smash him down into the helmet and roll it into enemies, like a turtle shell.

To make things more offensive, he's probably nude under the robes

What happens when the KKK partners with Nazis

Like with the small limp phallus, there is also a hopping variety. Nazi scientists slaved for years coming up with swastika pinwheel flight technology. They have yet to perfect it however.

In the castles you will encounter the boner skeleton:

Whole new meaning was given to 'boner'

Your cock in X-ray

I know it can be hard, and there is the expression “to bone” someone, but there is not literally bones inside of it. Try telling that to this undead freak though! Like a real living erection, the thing is relentless. No matter how many times you make it go down, it keeps erecting again.

Yet another type of klansman:

The KKK did not get enough credit for their efforts to pass the Kyoto Treaty

It's Earth day bitches, best be purifyin'

This kind is very confused on the color of robe he’s supposed to be wearing, and hurls burning crosses at you. White was supposed to symbolize racial purity. What the fuck does green symbolize? A KKK Kommitment to saving the rain forests?

When you are in GHB land, beware of the Chinese heads:

It could be a Chinese testicle or head, its hard to tell

I’m assuming these are the fucktards who put date rape drugs in your kids' Aqua Dots. Don’t let them take advantage of you.

Ketamine is some harsh shit, you turn into an animal on withdrawal

Why do you all assume I can solve your problems for you?

At the end of The First Reich, you encounter the king and his hentai. Although he’s clearly been changed into a dog, you are told that he is in withdrawal and needs his ketamine.

More top-secret Nazi tech revealed

2 heroin needles = invincibility, 4 = death

The pirate ship is full of cannons firing swastika balls and intravenous needles, presumably with some nasty drug inside. They might also be why the king looks like a dog to me.

ROM- hacking's trifecta embodied in one sprite

Nazi Penis Cartel revealed

The boss is now a Nazi Penis wearing a klan hood, smoking a joint while trying to inject you with HIV-infected heroin needles. Bravo Dr Floppy, bravo. When you beat him (pun intended), he goes up in flames, and you get the ketamine.

This is your cock on drugs, any questions?

Burn that infected peter clean

The king is so grateful he offers you that hentai’s anus, and she obliges by turning around and bending over.

Probably would have been easier to just sell that ass for more ketamine

So when does the butt-raping take place?

How does a testicle rape someone? Does the testicle have its own penis? Oh to wonder. It’s completely different if you get the ketamine as a black dick.

I got your ketamine same as a white cock woulda, where's my mother-fuckin reward?

The king's just jealous

WTF? So a black dick can't get no love, while a white one gets ass served up to it on a silver platter? The king must not realize that racism is dead. Obama won. It's over. Deal with it!.

Surviving the First Reich, you get Viagra and a letter from kestl, finally advancing the (mostly) imaginary plot somewhat.

Wilford's eventual collusion with the Nazis was foretold in Playboy... I mean in SNPCFF

Jewish vaginas are strangely colored

Bitch, it’s too late to warn me about bullshit Brimley. I like the vaginal signature though, you don’t see that often enough.

And the rivers ran yellow with the piss of the condemned

The Second Reich is strangely arid

The Second Reich was Otto Von Bismarck’s German Empire, from 1871-1918. It looks like a completely different place from the perspective of a Jewish gonad struggling against the Nazi Penis Cartel. I’d say this level is more KKK and less Nazi. The impact of the Super KKK brothers series can be felt as the lynch-victims sway in the gallows. Super Blackman, where are you?

I think they hung them on a clothes-line

Second Reich, land of the decaying black folks

It’s like the aftermath of a KKK-related holocaust here.

The Second Reich is home to an assortment of new Nazi Penis Cartel goons:

That yellow coward, hiding behind symbols and robes

The KKKoward

This miniature Klansman likes to hide inside a symbol and hop around. This one is just a pathetic little man hiding behind symbols and robes. Kind of like klansmen in real life.

There is the burning black man:

Can't help but feel sorry for this guy

Die already, creepy fuck

Quite possibly the sickest enemy in the game, this guy was so full of self-loathing that he volunteered to be burned by the KKK, then follows them around and shines their shoes, cleans their toilets, or burns minorities for them. All the while hopping around in agony, yet refusing to die. Fucking race-traitor.

A variation on this one is the chained burning black man:

Sadistic fuckers

Somebody put these poor bastards out of their misery!

This unfortunate person of color was set on fire, but wouldn’t cooperate with the KKK, and wouldn’t die neither. They chained em’ up, and now the poor thing tries to kill anything it can reach while suffering in silent agony.

The condom rider:

That won't protect you, pathetic limp-dick

Rubber bounces, so it jumps higher

The Nazi Penis scientists have developed weapons grade condoms, which this penis rides in. Instead of just protecting against pregnancy the traditional way, it now also protects by attempting to hop on top of and flatten testicles. Particularly Jewish ones. That means you Pilke. I cant believe there isn’t a swastika on this baby. What the fuck is going on over at NPC headquarters. You can take over the condom and hop around in it. Unfortunately the damn thing wears out at the end of the level.

The Flag-Riding Confederate:

Runs on hot air

Once again, symbolism literally hurts you in SNPCFF

Is it any surprise this asshole likes to hang out with the KKK? This good-old-boy flies around in a confederate flag, almost as if the damn thing were a magic carpet, all the while hurling other confederate flags down at you. Those fuckers are deadly too. Sorry grandpa, the South lost. The confederacy is over. Your daughter married some black guy. You probably drove her to it by being such a sore loser. Fucktard.

The KKK Snorkler:

The head was so intensely devoted that it managed to live on without a body

Bringing racial purity to the briney depths

This miniature Klansman was trained to be at home in the water. All klansmen believe that non-whites have webbed hands and feet, which makes them excellent swimmers. The klan has to go diving to find any escaped slaves.

Inside Brimley’s Oat factory, I came across the Quaker Oats flattener:

These oat boxes weigh a damn ton

How could you, Quaker?

This thing is not so much an enemy as a malicious machine which tries to crush you if you walk under it. I thought Quakers were all about tolerance and shit. Fucking bitch-ass Brimley has them all corrupted and shit.

The Wilford Brimley ghost:

Help me exorcize Wilford Brimley from ROM hacks altogether

Even in death, Brimley won't get the fuck out of ROM hacks

Logic was thrown out the window for this one. I mean even more logic. How can I be fighting Brimley at the end of each castle if he’s dead and a ghost? And how can there be so many ghosts of the same man? There is only one explanation… the horrifying conclusion... Deceased Wilford Brimley clones!

On the infamous sun level, the sun has been replaced with:

OK, whatever

?

Your guess is as good as mine. I think it’s either a giant flying wrinkly tit, or a wrinkly old face with closed eyes. Perhaps a spider on a beach ball. Whatever it’s supposed to be, it’s a major pain in the ass.

At the end of The Second Reich, it’s the same deal with the king and his missing ketamine. And once again the king’s graphics are unchanged. There is very little to complain about in this hack, actually its one of the most thorough around, but the kings could have been made into something else.

On the ship, there was a new enemy:

Yet more wonders of the KKK world

We're nearing the KKK saturation point

Another variation on the swastika throwing klansman. Am I up against the Nazi Penis Cartel? Could have fooled me, I’m mostly fighting the KKK anymore. The Nazi Members have completely taken over the KKK. Where’re the Grand Wizards?

The boss and the ketamine retrieving sequence were the same as in the last reich. Kestl sent me another letter though:

We're pro-life genitalia

I need a bunch of Fukdat!s in real life

She wants me to blow up abortion clinics. Presumably only Jewish abortion clinics, because we need all the Jew-balls we can get after the Nazi Penis Cartel took over. She also gave Pilke the coolest item ever in any game, the Fukdat!. Who wouldn’t want to bypass total bullshit? That would bypass the entire game in a lot of hacks. I’m looking at you, insane difficulty level hacks.

So, where's Hitler?

Nazi Germany's spawning pools

The Third Reich, which is supposed to be the actual Nazi Germany, ruled by Hitler, does not resemble Germany at all. Lots of water. Probably global warming and the melting icecaps fault. The KKK Konservationists failed.

I'm writing in my vote for Paul as president of Nazi Penis Cartel

Paul reaches out to the "fucked-up weirdo" demographic

The Ron Paul campaign managed to travel here and put up some signs. Just like the real Paul ‘08 campaign, they cant support any weight and fall off of the screen before the end.

During the Third Reich, I acquired a strange double sperm:

He be a sperm, but at least he's happy

Pilke devolved into a sperm

It turned me into a very happy giant sperm. At times I have two tails. This form swims very well, but can only hop around awkwardly on land. This weird green mutant never is able to find the Dr Seuss uterus or the green egg inside. Blame it all on the radiation.

In the water you come face to face with the Sperm Twins:

These two are close... too close to be straight

Synchronized sperm swimmers

It’s just a pair of sperm which swim around and try to kill you. The way they stick together, they must be gay spermatozoa.

The Trojan:

Trojan sperm incubator

They broke on me all the time too...

This giant condom inflates with sperm, then explodes. The sperm then come after you. The waters of Nazi Germany are a literal cesspool of semen. Dumb ass Nazis never read the packaging on their Trojans, you aren’t supposed to use them underwater. Retards.

If this is supposed to be Hitler, it fails

Go back to Zombie Nation

I don’t know who the fuck this simian looking head is supposed to be, but this fuckhead hops out of the water and can swallow a cock whole in one bite. To make matters worse, this cock-swallowing caveman reject keeps coming back no matter how many times you kill it.

And the variation:

The horrors of the deep

I call him Colonel Cock-munch

This one already ate it some dick, and now likes to live in the deep water, where it keeps regurgitating the cock, then re-eating it. That way it gets to enjoy it over and over again.

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