Review: Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters 1337

PAGE 3, CONT. FROM PAGE 2...

The miracle of conception

These sperm already found an egg. They’ll leave you alone, but don’t get too close. We can only imagine what sort of freakazoid baby is being conceived. Maybe that weird simian-headed dick-gobbler...

The ummm... oats, I guess

This poorly thought out oat thing tries to kill you in an oat factory. Is it supposed to be a piece of oat-related industrial machinery? A sack of oats trying to reach for you? Surely its not the ghosts of the oats.

Ole' Jizzy

You get attacked by a walking translucent condom. What the fuck is up with Nazi Germany? It’s all semen and birth control. How will they grow the master race with all these damn condoms around? These particular condoms will actually remove some cum and hurl it at you. Look, I’m a god-damn teste - if anyone makes jism, it ought to be me!

The king was the same as in earlier levels, but I did discover that if you return the ketamine as a sperm:

If you go, I got your back

Ain't it the truth though!

More importantly... I discovered:

NPC will not deport

The hideout of Osama bin Laden! Nobody would think to look for him in The Third Reich! Wack it for me Osama, Pilke wont say where you are.

Before heading into The Fourth Reich, Kestl sends me yet another letter:

That jewel is so faggy

Kestl has a habit of telling me things I already discovered for myself. All the GayBag does is put the wandering KKK members on the map to sleep so you can walk past them unmolested. It apparently does this by playing music so gay that the KKK-mind explodes.

This unassuming island is the land of giants

And with that Pilke entered The Fourth Reich. We have now entered the theoretical future German empire, presumably this time being led by the Nazi Penis Cartel instead of Hitler. Judging by the scenery, The Fourth Reich will be dominated by pills. And, like in Super Mario World 3, giants. In the future, those little pills the psychiatrist keeps prescribing everyone to make them zombies, and the over-abundance of growth hormones in the food supply will give the Nazi Penis Cartel the opening they needed to usher in the 4th Reich.

This hill should be a breast

In the future, there will be giant versions of the earlier Spewing Tube Snake, and Small Limp Phallus. Perverted links will be advertised openly on huge billboards. Real Dolls will replace real women for the rich, and poor men will be forced to have sex with goats.

Are they rolls of fat, or a flesh-hued robe?

The Klan will maintain it’s alliance with the Nazi Penis Cartel, but will have larger members that carry their own burning crosses around with them.

Now that you mention it, Pilke been holding it for centuries

In this future Nazi utopia, piss will flow freely from open pipes, free for any urophile to swim in.

This whole reich reeks like a men's room in a cheap pub

In fact, at times the 4th Reich is practically drowning in a golden flood.

Can't believe the Nazi Penis Cartel didn't nuke someone.

In this magical Nazi-rific future, Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction are finally found... deep down in a vast lake of piss. Saddam probably figured no one would have the stomach to look for them in there.

What will those crazy Quakers come up with next!

Even Brimley’s oat factory is full of evil futurism. Quaker developed this bowl of oats, in which the spoon will try to kill you when your back is turned. So the Mayan prophecy about our tools rising up against us was true after all!

Surviving the First Reich, you get Viagra and a letter from kestl, finally advancing the (mostly) imaginary plot somewhat.

Does your GF's vagina give you viagra? Are you jealous?

After getting ketamine for yet another addicted king missing his stash, Kestl sends me another letter. This one is just a run-of-the-mill letter which furthers the plot not one bit.

Times change, but it's still the same old bullshit

The Fifth Reich is notable mainly for half the level taking place in the clouds. After the failure of the 4th Reich, the Nazi Penis Cartel’s next empire stretched all the way to the clouds.

At this point in time the Nazi Penis Cartel is still dominated by KKK members. Some new ones were the Black Klansmen:

Smoke up lil dude, and calm down

By this I don’t mean he’s literally black, just he wears black robes. And crawls around. Missing his legs. This is what inbreeding ultimately leads to, people.

There is also the flying fire-breathing variety:

Beware his fiery hate speech.

What can I say - every so often inbreeding and mutation creates an unnatural monster.

Inbreeding is also responsible for the Dwarf Klansman:

Claiming to be the master race despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary

This sad bastard just stands there with a pitch fork and makes a half-hearted attempt at stabbing you if you happen to be just overhead. This incested dullard is simply too dumb to do anything else.

Eat your oats kids, or this could be you

Wilford Brimly has not just allied with the Nazi Penis Cartel, he is now participating in the lynching of the few remaining negroes.

Pilke gets scrotum fucked

The clouds themselves have even begun to take on penis shape. And to harden. Don’t tell me what happens when it rains...

Seems like in every era it’s the same fuckwit king having his stash stolen by an identical Nazi Penis. The 5th Reich is no exception. It seems to me the Nazi Penis Cartel is mainly interested in stealing ketamine and hiding out on an airship with it waiting for me to come and steal it back. No wonder their empire keeps collapsing and needing rebuilt.

Gives whole new meaning to "snow-balling"

Kestl warns me that in the next Reich monsters like to toss around their frozen cumwads. Quite frankly I’m scared of how that snowball fight is gonna go down. A sperm bank could ahem, load, up.

It's twice the Reich

In the far future that is the 6th Reich, the land has a distinctive swastika shape. The Nazi Penis Cartel empire must have had millions of Jew-balls making the swastika shaped islands. Probably before sending them to scrotal concentration camps.

The jizz repository of the ROM-hack world

The land is littered with frozen sperm. Watch your step, that shit is more slippery frozen than when its gooey and wet. Basically this Reich takes place inside the freezer at the sperm bank.

Beware the cumflakes

As promised, the monsters here like to throw around their frozen cumwads. This giant tube snake has mastered the art of cumwad hurling. I hear that’s a popular sport in Canada. Or is that cumwad curling?

The pitcher.. and the catcher

This wandering penis was enjoying his cumwad so much he walked out of his pipe. Poor thing must be freezing his balls off.

Burning your ass in the name of Jesus

I discovered the Elite White Robe Klan outfit here. This one is actually white and allows you to throw burning crosses.

Cock-on-cock action

In the 6th Reich the penis clouds are gone, but they've evolved into giant flying penii. They may look dangerous, but they are peaceful. You can ahem, “ride”, on these friendly cocks.

Don't let him spray you with seltzer

The Nazi Penis at the end is actually different this time. They trained this one to ride on a ball. Kind of like a trained circus cock or something.

B. Blobby, where are you?

I managed to defeat Nazi Circus Penis as an Elite White Robe. I don’t know what a bybus slago is. Is that from Ass Climber?

Kestl has her period all over you.

Well fuck you too Kestl. I should let the Nazi Penis Cartel have her. Fucking bitch.

The 7th Reich is mostly unchanged on the over world. Basically just some pills thrown in. Things got greener in the Nazi Penis Cartel future. Those eco-friendly klansmen did their job.

The KKK sink to a new low

The klansmen have developed glass globe technology, allowing them to swim underwater. You’d think there would be a lot of drag on those robes.

How dare you steal my pussy pen-pal!

At the end of the final airship, I get a letter from Lord Of The Penis. He can have that dumb ass Kestl as far as I’m concerned. Unfortunately Pilke insists on going to the 8th and final Reich and saving her lame ass. That’s what you get Pilke, wasting your fucking life retrieving ketamine for kings in exchange for butt-sex with armless sluts, instead of rescuing your own Jewish vagina.

Fuk Dats are useless here

The final Reich is a dark land full of burning crack pipes. Here Pilke had to face up against the Nazi Penis Wehrmacht. It seemed like our little Jew-ball had to withstand a cock-kreig of swastikas and klansmen before finally getting to the lair of the Lord Of The Penis.

A possibly unintentional penis-shaped map

Looks considerably less cockly than I thought it would.

The consequences of a purely oat diet

Watch out for the ass statues inside. They have a really bad case of laser beam diarrhea.

The image burned in your mind the last few years

The Lord Of The Penis is a real asshole. Literally. This gaping shit-hole literally chewed off the cocks of many a man, which it now shits at you on fire. After fucking this asshole up, Pilke rescues Kestl.

Sure, why not, you owe me bitch.

That was Goatse Man? Lord Of The Penis must have been a stage name. Now I can go fuck my giant talking vagina. That’s what its all about. She made me put the klan robes back on. She’s kinky like that.

The timeline of Nazi empires

During the ending, we learn the actual names of the Reichs. Curious how KKK land is decorated with all them Jewish stars.

As you can tell by this ridiculously lengthy review, Super Nazi Penis Cartel Freedom Fighters is not your typical bullshit ROM-hack. There was a lot of effort put into this one, there is a high quality of craftsmanship. From what all I’ve seen, this is the most impressive hack of a Mario game to date. I’d discovered this one long after I’d gotten sick and fucking tired of endless asinine lazy-ass Mario hacks, and it almost makes up for all that bullshit. In my opinion, this is one of the new ROM-hack classics, and a new generation of gamers will be shocked and offended by it. Some kids will lose their innocence. And the freaks, rejects, weirdos, and people with an actual sense of humor everywhere will laugh. All wannabe ROM-hackers pay attention, ones like this are what your work will be compared to.

unknown, 2008)