What's New?

Some time last week I went into a Wal-Mart to pick up some chicken. My wife and I boycott the place around a year ago because it's a shit-hole and their prices don't justify the hassle. Nevertheless, I needed chicken and nothing else was open. So I made my way into the store. Every Wal-Mart now is a sterile, hospital like environment. Every last employee and customer looks completely miserable in there. I've worked for Wal-Mart, I understand their pain.

I get to the meat department and grab some overpriced boneless chicken something or other. I usually grab bone in chicken thighs but my wife specifically requested these and I wanted to make her happy. As I'm handling the chicken packaging, I managed to get chicken juice all over my left hand. I don't know about you, but I'm not a huge fan of contracting salmonella. I made my way to the cleaning supply section and picked up some clorox wipes to clean my hands with. I opened it up, grabbed one, wiped my hands, and resigned to having to buy the entire package. These too, were profoundly over priced. How hard is it to keep some publicly accessible wet wipes around? I pay for my items and leave without incident beyond the very mundane crap I've already mentioned.

Today, I received an e-mail from Wal-Mart listing the items I purchased, urging me to review them. I never gave them my e-mail during that visit, so how did they know I bought any of that? It occurs to me that I have an account with them since my wife and I used to do curbside pickup with them. They must have linked the debit card used to buy the chicken with my e-mail address.

Frankly, this is completely unacceptable in every sense of the word. Who the fuck do you think you are e-mailing me like this? I'm already more or less boycotting Wal-Mart. The fact that I go in there, find something akin to a hospital where you buy food, and then get stalked days later... It's fucking mind-blowing. In what world do these people think that's acceptable? To be surveilled in such a way? I don't want to help you, Wal-Mart. If anything, I want you gone. Your stores are hideous both inside and out.

Wal-Mart first crossed me when I started working there. God forbid someone employ me, right? No, the problem was the incredibly creepy and weird culture around Sam Walton. If you've ever seen Severance, you may remember how Lumon Industries had a strange cult-like devotion to its founder, Kier Eagan. I shit you not when I tell you that Wal-Mart does the exact same crap with Sam Walton. I'm sure to some degree that the Sam Walton stuff Wal-Mart does directly inspired the writers of Severance.

Sam Walton was revered in a similar manner to Jesus Christ. In the break room, you'd have photos of every manager. Furthest down, you'd have the Assistant Managers. There were usually 10 to 12 photos, all in a horizontal line. Above that, two photos, both of the CO-Managers. Above that, the Store Manager. Finally, at the very top, you had Sam Walton with an ornate frame. Clearly, it wasn't enough that he was positioned higher than everyone else. They had to have the nice frame too. Why are we treating a dead redneck like a religious figure?

Stranger yet was the mural in the back room. You'd be wandering through the toy section, take a left, enter a nondescript door only to be met with 4 foot tall image of Sam Walton's face and a quote about customer service plastered next to it. The attention to detail in the artwork was rather jarring considering how little care management had for the customer base. These weren't the only references to Sammy boy, not by a long shot. If you were in the back area, you were no more than maybe five feet away from a photo, poster, printout with his face and some contrived quote from him.

It's ironic because like real religions, the people practicing them don't seem to care about what the prophet actually says. Wal-Mart only cares about Profits. The Prophet exists to distract employees from their ambitions. At least, that's what I think. Why would anyone leave if they believed Wal-Mart is the be all end all? This search for profits has now led to sophisticated stalking campaigns. Wonderful. Yet, I'm more outraged than surprised. When I worked there, part of my job was to fuck people over. We'd raise the price on something then lower it a week later and treat it like a discount. You had people in Bentonville pricing things at $14.88. Come on man, you're not slick. There's no mathematical reason why you came to that specific price, you shit-bag.

Yeah, I know it's my fault for having an account with them at all. The thing about customer service is that if you're good at it, the guest will never contemplate deleting their account. Not only am I doing that, I'm changing my debit card number. I'm not going to allow a company like Wal-Mart stalk me and my family. This is a new level of bad customer service, frankly. One that I'm 100% unwilling to entertain let alone play into.

The only thing I want from Wal-Mart at this point is some kind of confirmation that Sam Walton's death was miserable and terrifying. It wouldn't make up for the stalking, but it'd make me feel better to know that the man that unleashed this trash upon us all got what he deserved.